St Pattys

Let's talk about St. Pattys day. I know that I am way behind on my blogging but I think it must be discussed considering it was one of the longest days of my life. I came into work around 8:30 I believe after getting maybe an hour of sleep from the previous night. I could not find parking anywhere which shocked me cause it was so early. While pulling into the city I saw numerous people already drunk off Jameson and green beer spilling out onto lawns and into bars. My first thought was F my life what am I doing?

I arrived to a line waiting outside our door already and had to sneak through the back to set up. We all braced ourselves for the onslaught that was about to be unleashed upon our homebase. People came storming in asking for Car Bombs and Jamison shots and everything Irish they could come up with. Normally this would not alarm me however these people obviously never drink this hard and don't understand the effects that slamming bomb after bomb and shot after shot will have. We had to turn people away in the am because they were peeing themselves (true story) or they were too drunk to stumble in. After our package deal was up things started to let up a bit. Apparently all those suburbanites who swarm the city for special holidays don't expect to pay full price in bars? I am not sure what the thinking is considering I am not an idiot but hey we can't all be blessed with good looks and brains.

As the day progressed the groups were switched. The people who went hard in the morning went home to sleep. At one point I had to feed my meter and walked by a large outdoor party that looked like a sea of green clumped in an area too small to hold more than 20 people, not my idea of awesome but that's just me. I ran back to start my second shift at the back bar and as I was sneaking back through the back I saw a girl trying to climb through the window into the bar because we had reached capacity and couldnt let more in. Our lovely bouncers were on top of it and pulled her drunk ass out of the window, she needed to go home! As I proceeded into my shift things never stopped.

It was crazy how busy it stayed all day. I had a group of men who got rounds of shots and beers and it tipped me really well and it was much appreciated. Then there was a guy who tried to steal his friend's credit card to pay for his beers. No way buddy not gonna happen, stop being a goober and pay for your own booze or don't go out!! Towards the end of the night a man appeared in the back and he was blacked out and unable to articulate a word much less an order so I basically just ignored him. He kept pointing at me and saying "yup" and I just laughed. I had some regulars back there who were entirely confused by him and I just said it's typical St Pats day! So this drunkard continues to try to mumble out words and starts throwing money down on the bar. I had not served him at all so I wasn't sure what he was doing but he kept walking away so I mean I wasn't just going to let the money sit there so what's a girl to do, oops put it into the tip jar!! I heard later that he was doing the same thing at the front bar, just throwing money down and walking away so I didn't feel too bad.

I have told you stories about my wonderful customers but let's not forget my fellow employees. Now most all of us were on doubles and had had it with the drunks spilling, farting, and not tipping. We were all being troopers but I think our Dragon Master decided she needed to have some fun. I saw her around 6pm and then again about 45 minutes later she came back and was completely blacked out. She tried speaking with me but I think her and my friend who left the money were the only 2 people who would understand each other. She was dancing and having a good time. Unfortunately being there was not in her best interest at the moment so we sent her home to get some rest. I later checked my phone and saw that she had left hers at the bar and so I went to her place and dropped it off. I used my keys and went in to the tv room and quietly dropped the phone on the table. I am pretty sure I could have banged pots and pans and no one would have responded!

I completely forget an incident that happened in the morning. So I am utterly afraid of leprechauns and some guy was dressed as a leprechaun. He came to me first (it's my luck) and I calmly poured his beer and stepped as far away as I could. I mean he was a straight ginger leprechaun, short with the beard and full costume. So I continued to serve the other end of the bar and noticed him creepily staring at me from down the way. My heart started to pound and my anxiety heightened. It was like he wanted to take his magic wand out and slice my head off or turn into a small leprechaun and attack me when I least expect it. He kept staring me down and smiling at me all evil like and then I noticed my fellow bartender Glitter (that story to come soon) laughing and staring. Apparently he noticed and remembered my fear and made the leprechaun be creepy and freak me out. He later told me that he was even creeped out after awhile because the guys didn't let it up.

Basically this holiday was a success in all aspects, I saw many interesting characters that will not reemerge until next St Pats, I made money, and I got to work with a good crew. I just hope that leprechauns and cheap people stay away for a bit. Dragon Master made her way to work in the morning the next day which was pretty impressive by all standards. That's for all of you who are keeping up with her antics!!

Hopefully I will be able to be more timely with my blogs from here on out. Working on my book is keeping me busy. Geesh

No Dance Dance Revolution

You know that time of night when some old jams start to play, you hear some sweet 80's or 90s music blaring through the loud speaker and your feet start to tap to the beat and your arms start to swing around, maybe some rap is about to start and you feel your booty shaking to the ass dropping lyrics. Maybe you hear the Wilson sisters rendition of Hold On For One More Day, and think well they did it in Bridesmaids and I can do the dance. Or you hear NSYNC or Backstreet Boys and you think you know the entire choreographed routine. I am here to tell you that you do nott.

I have found the drunker people get the less their inner monologue says,"No do not embarrass yourself. Or No that poor waitress with the multiple drinks on her tray does not want any part of your dancing skills." Every weekend it seems myself and other waitresses included, try to make our way through the floor to deliver our drinks to a table waiting patiently, and it never fails that some man who is either blacked out or almost to that point starts to dance poorly and attempts to get us to dance with them. As much as I love to take part in random dancing numbers I can not seem to express enough that I would much rather make some money off of you then dance with you.

So that is my rant from a waitress point of view and now onto my rant as a normal person. Your dance moves are not good, you falling all over the place and knocking into the people around you is not fun to watch. Fist pumping is not a dance, it is an accident waiting to happen. I find it amusing when a dance circle breaks out into the middle of the floor and the poor soul is in the middle pretending they are the next best thing since Channing Tatum in Step Up, when in reality they are more reminiscent of a bad 80's teen movie. I always feel bad for the girls who get roped into the mix when guys start the dancing, you can see the fear in their face and there is no way to help them away. Friends of said gentleman should step up and pull their friend away, it's like a watching a deer in headlights get hit, not fun and terrorizing for the girl involved.

Now girls let's move on to you. Shaking your ass and "breaking it down" on the floor is unacceptable. Chances are you are being laughed at or annoying the other people around you. Also the girls who tend to dance tend to knock into more people and knock over drinks. You're dance moves are mediocre at best and should be kept for your living room when you are playing with your Kineckt gaming system. Unless you are Britney Spears keep it to a minimum. Also if you are bouncing around and knock into a server it is not our fault you can't keep your elbows to yourself and you are in our way. Do not throw us dirty looks or try to knock us over cause most of the time we are way more sober and can make things look like "accidents" words to live by.

Now I am not opposed to dancing, I myself love to dance, but I also know to keep it out of the way of everyone else and what I am good at and what I can not do. I do not think I am the next coming of Nicole Scherzinger nor will I try to be. I don't pop, lock, and drop it when I am not in a club, I think this is something we all need to remember. I am all for having fun but I am not all for people embarrassing themselves, ok that's a lie I totally am, but if it's in my way I am so not.

I took a video of a gentleman who thought he was a great dancer, this is what most of you look like so take heed the next time you feel the need to start a break out dance number:

No Pants

Now I know it has been awhile since I have blogged but I thought why not come back with a bang. This particular situation happened while the weather was still warm and the requirement for coats and scarves was non existent. Alas we have reached the winter months and I will do my best to continue to blog in an orderly time.

It was your typical Saturday night and I was working while my friends were drinking (per usual) I believe there had been a big game that brought out my fellow SIU alumni and they were not exactly what I would call sober. This group loves shots and they had been consuming them all day along with our bartender, you guessed it Dragonmaster!! Now she was off work and enjoying her time with this group in the corner of the bar.

The type of jeans she was wearing will be imperative to this story in a bit. They had holes all over the knees and butt area (not showing the goodies but the fashionable kind) and they had been ripped over the year due to snags on the bar or other debacles. At some point in the night I went over there to talk to some of the people and noticed that a hot mess was about to ensue. I saw Dragonmaster go to the bar to ask for scissors, this is where the story gets fuzzy. I am unsure of who but someone convinced her to cut her leg off of her jeans. So she stood there while one leg was cut off and went about her daily business.

Let's pain a picture: a group of intoxicated individuals with one girl who has one full pant leg and one poorly cropped other leg. As a true friend I could not let her walk around looking like that so naturally I went and chopped the other leg off as well. I would want someone to do the same for me. Unfortunately it is hard to cut a pant leg off when someone is still wearing them. She looked like a broke down hillbilly because of the chop job.

As a souvenir we posted the pant leg up on the bar and it stayed there until the Xmas decorations went up (apparently they clashed) it is a reminder that your friends are all assholes.

The group left and the pant legs stayed. we received a call later from Dragonmaster in which she was unsure of where the cab driver dropped her off and where her house was from there. Normally I would be worried about a woman walking alone in Chicago with a bag full of money but for some reason I think people would just assume she was homeless from her looks and leave her alone. I mean who would want to try to attack the girl with missing pant legs? I think the homeless didn't even want to bother with it. Luckily we found out she made it home safe and all in one piece. The pants story will forever be one of my favorites because of the hot mess that happened that night.Disclaimer: this is not Dragonmaster, this is some other poor soul who has asshole friends

Shirts Off Dance Off

Lately Sundays have turned back into Sunday fundays at the good old stomping ground. What use to just be the staff and regulars drinking has now turned into full fledged dance parties. Our parties have a twist though, our young gentlemen take off their shirts and dance together. Most places would not condone this, but we are not most places.

It all began about a month ago after a long kickball Sunday. We all needed a couple cocktails to wind down and of course it was nearing the end of Lush's reign over the bar. So we had some drinks and apparently most of the people had been drinking during the day. Well Mimosa, Mr. Creepy, Abs 2, and our newest addition to the team Victory decided to up the ante. We all were dancing having a good time when all of the sudden Abs 2 walks out of the bathroom with his shirt off and sunglasses on. This only lead to Victory and Mimosa joining in the party. For some reason we encouraged this and continued to egg them on to keep their shirts off and dance with each other.

At one point shirts went back on and if I remember correctly Mimosa was crab walking across the floor while also attempting a break dance routine. Mr. Creepy and Mimosa were having the time of their lives, continuing to take shots and dance around the bar. There were a group of people who came in later and sat in the booths and looked appalled at the dance party, as soon as the shirts were popped however they were hollering for the boys. Mimosa I must say has some special dance move to NSYNC, he knew the dance (well in his head he knew the dance) and put on a great show.

I must point out that prior to this night we had just had cameras installed into the bar a couple days before. At one time in the night Abs 2 text Cowboy Casanova to say he had a great run and he understands if he is fired, luckily it was just too funny to get in trouble over. As the night progressed I excused myself and went home. Apparently after I had left Victory, Mr. Creepy, and Mimosa all got up on the bar and danced. I am extremely sad that I missed this night, DJ Snoop said that Mr. Creepy almost face planted and took him down with him. Now that would be worth staying for.

Moral of this story is that if you want to see shirts get popped off come to the bar on Sunday nights and celebrate Sunday Funday with us!!!

DJ Snoop Part 2

Well it's fourth of July and everyone is bombed. During the day we had our lines break at the bar which meant no soda, water, or anything that comes out of gun! It was secretly thrilling to be able to tell all those annoying girls that no they can not have their 40 waters because it's broke. They looked appalled but form my stand point it was a big middle finger to you yuppie bitches who will not tip me for the work I do running back and forth making sure your free water is filled. Ok venting done.

Let's get to the nitty gritty. So it was basically dead the Sunday before the fourth and we all sat around all day just hanging out with the few regulars that came to keep us company. I was cut around 9 in order to get ready for shift 3 of the day (bartending). So I took a break and sat at the end of the bar with some coworkers. Well my other partner for the weekend (we literally worked every shift together) Shoulder Shake (I think I am going to change it to Shimmy) sat with me. We had both just had a shitty weekend and were at our wits end. A beer and a shot will calm us down, oh wait no need DJ Snoop was to the rescue!! He apparently had been drinking all day (or just blasted a bunch of shots at once, still not sure what happened) and came over to chat with us. Seeing Shimmy all upset he said you know what will make this better? He throws his phone into the trash can, and when I say throw I mean launches. Now he has already been through several phones and decides that he is going to buy a ten dollar flip phone and use a label maker to say Iphone 5. He says the Iphone 6 is coming out so it's not a big deal.

The phone stays in the trash for a couple minutes where I warn him he may want to take it out before liquid gets dumped in there. DJ Snoop looks at me like I am an idiot and blows it off. Within 2 seconds one of the bouncers, Donnie, comes over and dumps water cups in there!! Dj Snoops jaw drops like this is the most incredulous thing he has ever seen and as Donnie turns Snoop kicks out his leg like he is going to give Donnie a kick in the butt. Well he only kicks air and stares at the phone. He finally fishes it out of the trash and it's soaking, there is no hope. We tried to let it dry but well it just wasn't working. All of the sudden we get a rush and I go back to bartend.

At this point there is still no guns or water. We are using pop bottles because we fancy like that and everything is taking longer. People are ordering ridiculous drinks and we have to keep saying no since we didn't have the mixers. One guy asks what my specialty drink was, I told him beer. He looked appalled until I literally said yea it's Victoria. He laughed and bought it so whatever, being an asshole works sometimes!! Anyway I have the employees in the corner of the bar shouting drink orders, shot orders, and I am sure inappropriate slurs at me the whole night. DJ Snoop decides he wants 14 shots of jameson or something like that. No problem, except I can't get to the cooler I needed because our space is small and we are slammed! I get him his million shots and as I am heading back he goes out wait add 2 more to that! I must have given him the look of death because he profusely apologizes and says he can wait. I pour him his extra shots and I think that was it for his drinking escapades, he was pretty much blacked out at that point. I think at one point he was making out with a girl in the corner or attempting, who knows.

So end of the night we are sweating and ready to leave. The place looks like a disaster area and there is nothing to be done about it. We clean and count money. As we are grabbing the tip money out of the bucket we notice a little silver flip phone in the bucket. DJ Snoop has decided to tip us with his Iphone 5. Although I am grateful for the gesture I am a bit worried that he will not be able to get a hold of anyone.

The next day I go out and drink with the crew and we wind up at the bar where DJ Snoop is working. He shows me his phone and how he has to know read texts upside down and it is in some creepy red devil writing. I can't do anything but laugh at this point. His shenans made my weekend that much better!!!

Out Weird the Weirdo

On any given day at any bar you will find the weirdos slinking around either scamming on girls, standing in a corner alone, or the best when they talk to the bartender. Now most of the time we don't mind if you talk to us, we like to talk to people that is why we are in this industry (well and the great money we make) but anyway this is not aimed at everyone.

About a month ago (I know I know I have been really busy lately) there was an older man who came in probably closer to 50 and sat at the bar. He had been in before and chatted up Dragonmaster who very gallantly took everything he said in stride. Well this particular Sunday he crossed a line and told her she needed to get over her grandmother's death. Who are you sir to tell anyone what they should or should not do. This set the tone for the rest of this story.

He walks in and immediately asks if he looks like hes high. Apparently homeboy decided to tell everyone he smoked a lot of pot and probably had a BAC of .08 already. Dragnomaster tried to ignore his drink requests because she didn't want anything bad to happen. Well he started talking to her and asking her questions and said he found her on linked in and shit started to get weird. She kept a smile and tried to play it off but you could tell she was getting upset with this conversation. I noticed and went to tell Muffy, he was too busy playing words with friends so he just sat there. Luckily one of our regulars from Melrose was in. He had heard what was going on and took matters into his own hands

We will name him Crazy M. So Crazy M goes to the bar and sits a couple seats away from this lunatic. He starts clearing his throat every minute and randomly touching the beer taps with one finger but does it to where he looks nervous to be touching them. He keeps jerking his hand back and attempting to touch it but in fact does not. This guy sees him and starts asking him questions and Crazy M says he is fine but continues to do odd things at the bar. Crazy M engages in conversation and starts telling the man these crazy stories hoping to scare this guy out of the bar. (The whole time he is still trying to touch the beer taps) well this goes on for at least an hour, I am hysterically laughing on the ground because this guy has no clue. My tables start to catch on and start to engage in this activity.

At one point the lunatic moves closer to CM and CM freaks out and starts yelling TOO CLOSE!!! So the guy backs away. There was a set of silverware on the bar and a spoon from a skillet cookie. CM takes the spoon and starts tapping it menacingly on the bar. The guy starts egging him on and saying he is crazy. CM just stares at him with this blank look of hatred. He then brings out the big guns, the butter knife. The guys starts saying we should take it away and not allow him to have it. CM starts slamming it on the bar and rocking back and forth and making crazy sounds. I can't be in the same area cause I am laughing much to hard at this point.

Finally CM starts to pace a bit and touch the beer taps and the guy has had it. He walks away and says he may be back. We are all hoping not due to his creepiness but you never know. CM says if he comes back he will go and get his Batman costume and wear it around the bar. The man never returns and has not since this day. It has been over a month and we are hoping he stays away.

Now the thing about working in the bar industry is that you see a lot of crazy things happen, a lot of crazy outfits, you hear a lot of crazy conversations, but there are lines that you do not cross with people. We can handle a lot but if you get over that line we call in reinforcements. Luckily we have awesome regulars who would never let anything happen to us (this of course is on days when our wonderful bouncing team is not around). The moral of this story ladies and gentleman is to not be a douche or a creep and you will not get scared out of the bar by a man with a butter knife. Boom.

Just Dance

It's Saturday night, the bar is packed. People are swinging their arms around and shaking their butts to the tunes and styling of Cowboy Casanova and Muffy. The drinks are flowing the lights are dim and somewhere in the crowd at least one couple is making out or 2 strangers are gazing over their bud lights hoping for that inevitable hook up that will partake around 3 possibly 5 am (if they proceed on to Tai's Til 4) Us servers are weaving through the crowded masses to indulge people in their beverage of choice, mind you this is no easy feat for us to get through the drunk throngs of people and we hope to at least make a dollar or 2 off of our hard work.

After delivering the libations I head back to see if I can make some poor souls buy some shots as to give me more profits. As I am making my way back I notice a group of guys who look like easy prey. (Sorry guys but it is the truth, you see a girl with a tray and automatically buy shots.) Anyway I approach them to make the sale. The next part never fails. One drunk guy in the group decides he is this era's Kevin Bacon and begins to dance. He then grabs my hand and tries to persuade me to join in the festivities. At this point I have had enough fill of drunk people and just stand their smiling politely as I decline the offer. He continues to attempt this delicate tango (which is actually more like an epileptic having a seizure) and then tries for the suave moves of twirling me around like we are in some ancient ball room. I give him a twirl still hoping for the sale because his friends are all mightily embarrassed by their cohorts actions.

He thinks this is OK and continues to dance, I laugh in good nature and proceed to speak with his friends leaving this person to dance by himself in the middle and hopefully find a new dancing partner with a young drunk girl. His friends buy shots and apologize profusely for their friend's actions. I assure them it is alright and happens every Saturday.

Now this is not just one incident I am talking about here people. This happens every Saturday. Why must drunk guys think their waitress wants to dance with them? I am literally there to take your money and be on my merry way. One guy in a group of guys out for the night thinks his dancing will lure me (and every other server) into his grasp and make us fall in love. Guess what buddy you are only keeping me from making my money that I so thoroughly work for.

Maybe it's a guy thing, maybe it's his first time at the bar, maybe he is just that drunk that he doesn't realize that I don't want to dance. I always tell them to look at that girl over there and try to persuade him away. Most of the time it works, I have had groups of friends drag their friend away and try to distract him from bothering me. Although amusing to watch from a distance when you are trying to work it is a bit annoying for someone to try to spin you around or do ridiculous dance moves around your area. It is especially tiresome when you have a tray of drinks and some dbag thinks they weigh nothing and that you want to dance then. Listen buddy this tray is heavy and all I want is to get to my table to deliver the drinks.

I find most antics and pick up lines amusing because me being as witty as I am, generally have a comeback. But sometimes you just have to know when to walk away. Some of the more funnier dances I have seen come from one of our Messner regulars. Now he has never tried to dance with me nor annoyed me ever. He is Dalton's friend and I laugh every time he does a particular move.

Every now and again we will put on some old music (I'm talking 50s and 60s with some Elvis mixed in) and he does what I like to refer to as the Elvis leg. He does this popping of his right leg to the beat of the music and imitates Elvis. It is amazing to watch his rhythm and realize that even bomb wasted he's still got the moves. Last weekend in fact he started busting it out and a small group formed around him in awe of the stellar leg. I must say in all of my time in bars his is one of my favorites. Another regular has recently come out and shown his love of boy band songs and takes the whole bar by storm in dancing to Dirty Pop and I Want it That Way. His moves are endless and his energy is tiring to watch, but you can't help to notice that he has the boy band moves down pat. Now if we could just get him to have his own trivia round where he dances for everyone it would be a great sight!!! If you are wondering who this elusive dancer is you need to look no further than the Idiot table and wait until after trivia to see the astonishing dance moves that he possesses. I can't say his name for fear that I would out him without his consent and later be sued but as soon as I get the ok I will post a video of his moves!