Who Chooses Mulan?!

First let me apologize to all of you who read my blog because I have been so busy I have not been able to update in a timely manner. I have however had encounters that hopefully will be displayed in an entertaining way as my previous posts. Let's get started.

A couple months back I came into work on a Saturday night prepared for a rowdy, beer popping, shot pouring night. Low and behold I arrive around 10 and realize we are not busy enough to open the back bar. I see some of my friends/regulars sitting at a table so I go and join them for what will be one of the funniest experiences ever. As I am sitting there with my friends I look across the room and notice this group of guys. One guy in particular is drunkenly googly eyeing me and I brush it off as the kicked has no idea where he is and probably staring at anything he can focus his eyes on.

My fellow coworker Twilight comes over and sits with us for a bit as she is off work as well. Dougie guru is serving us and she says this drunkard bought me a shot. He slowly stumbles his way over to my table and starts speaking to me in what I call drunk tongue. Everyone there clearly sees I am uninterested and tries to help. I am polite and decline the shot and give it to Twilight. She takes it like a champ, I have now explained to this gentleman that I am not drinking for the night but thank you anyway. 10 minutes pass and the same scenario plays out.

Drunk guy buys me a shot, I pass it off to my friends and yet again explain this is not going to happen. He stumbles away and sits across the room waving at me like some cartoon character who doesn't have all his brain cells attached, think Peter Griffin. I return to my conversation which I am pretty sure has turned into movie trivia at this point. Another 10 minutes passes and Dougie guru comes over and says this same guy wants to buy me a shot. Clearly he hasn't realized I have been passing off every shot he has given to me at this point. I cave and tell DG to get me a shot of water because maybe he will leave me alone.

This apparently does it for him. He took a shot of tequila and may or may not have gone and puked right away. End scene, or so I thought. I am sitting there with the guys now and this same guy comes up and sits down. I plead with my eyes for my friends to help and them being the fabulous friends they are intervene. Now this is where things get real funny or awkward depending on your sense of humor.

My friend who shall be named Roman Craig turns to the guy and shakes said kids hand. The drunk holds on for longer than is normal in a handshake and Roman points out that this is getting awkward and wants his hand back. Roman continues very seriously to ask him a question that is burning in everyone's mind and will distinguish his character as a human being. The question is if you could be any Disney character who would you be. This kid (and I am sadly not exaggerating here) thinks for a good 5 minutes and after we think he has lost all ability to talk says one word. Mulan. At this point Roman throws his hands in the air and says he can no longer allow the kid to sit with us. Now see Roman has this hatred for Mulan as being the worst Disney movie ever made and I have to agree. Besides that though Mulan was a woman dressing as a man so she could go to war.

I am crying because I am laughing so hard at this analogy. I asked this kid if he was serious and after he looks offended he says why not? I explained that he essentially wants to be a man who dresses like a woman who wants to be a man. It is an oxymoron. He doesn't get why this is so funny. I can't help it, I am hysterically laughing that out of the hundreds of characters he chose the girl. He promptly gets up and leaves. Mission accomplished.

Worst movie. Ever.

Roman and I explain to our other friend, Crotch, what just happened as the music is super loud. He in turn begins laughing as hard as we were. At this point I couldn't handle anymore encounters of this sort so I gather my stuff and bid farewell to my friends. I step outside with Twilight and this guy is standing there. I instantly burst out laughing again and his friends (whom i happened to know) want to know what's going on. I recap the Mulan story and they now make fun of his every chance they get.

The moral of this story kids is that when presented with an important question of this sort please thing thoroughly about your choice and do not pick the cross dresser!!!

Kickball and Abortions

It's that time of the year again when summer kickball leagues have started. We run our own league with approximately 16 teams that gather every Sunday to enjoy some good old fashioned kicking of balls. I personally love this time because the people who play in the league are incredibly fun and know how to have a good time. They treat us as servers well and know how our bar is run.

With that being said I had to stand in and be a ref for the first day because the other 2 assistants were out of town. My brother and I teamed up and ran the league. We had 2 balls deflate, teams whom-ping each other, and lots of beers being drank. The games last about 45 minutes unless the slaughter rule runs into effect and then they least about 15 minutes. Some teams stick around all day to watch the games and hang out by the field. There was one team in particular that decided to help out with the other teams who didn't have members showed up. They graciously decided to help out so there were not any forfeits.

Around the 4th game being played I was standing behind first base (working on my tan and watching the plays to make sure the outs were called successfully) and a gentleman stepped out of a car and was on the phone. The field is next to some apartments and I can only think that he lived in one of these. There was a fence separating us from the street and he decided to lean on it and have a conversation with what I am assuming is his now ex-girlfriend. The game was pretty easy to watch, kick the ball, catch the ball, out. So I started listening into this man's conversation and boy am I glad I did.

First of all I wasn't straining to hear the conversation because he was extremely vocal and loud so it was pretty easy to get the drift of what the fight was about. This girl, who's name I am assuming is Britney, called him up and started talking about how this guy plays softball too much and I am guessing she feels neglected. This man then responded that he was really good at softball and liked to play and she knew how he felt about this the whole time they have been dating. The way I am describing this does not do the tone justice. He was pretty much trying to not shout at her but I am pretty sure what he was thinking was,"You're crazy bitch now leave me alone."

So this fighting over him playing softball went on for a little bit and then the conversation turned. He started getting heated and I think she was ragging on him for spending time with his kid. He said I am sorry that I want to see my kid when I can and that it takes time away from you. I can deduce that he in fact has a baby mama and this Britney character is not her. He then proceeded to tell said girl that she does not understand what it is like to want to see your kid because she got rid of 3 of hers.

Ok wait hold up you are really having this conversation in front of a bunch of strangers?! I turned around and looked at my friend whom I will name Boop thank you to the Glitter Man. Boop was less conspicuous and kept her eyes averted and I just kept trying to look at anyone who would help me to realize I was not crazy and this was really happening. So Britney has now had 3 abortions and does not understand what maternal love means and to want to see your kid. I get it Britney, I am missing that maternal instinct also. It's ok to know that you don't want kids but maybe you should invest in something like I don't know birth control or condoms or sterilization.

Game proceeds and I am still listening to this guy. He then starts saying that she has been cheating on him because he sees her erase messages and pictures in front of him. Well sir at this point I wanted to turn to you and say I think it is time to give up on Britney. He was pretty angry though so my better judgement and curiosity said just let this play out. They argued for awhile longer and it seemed like he was trying to get her to listen to him and understand where he was coming from. In my head I knew she was crazy so I just wanted to take the phone and hang up. I then thought maybe she has a magical downstairs because no man would put up with this crazy.

He went back into the apartment and I thought it was over. I returned my attention back to the game and kept looking around to see if anyone else witnessed this craziness. No one seemed to think differently so I chalked it up to making a great story later. The man then comes back out and is pissed. He lights up a cigarette or a joint not sure and takes his iPhone and throws it against the brick wall and walks away. He must be made of money because you don't just throw Iphones away. Boop and I kinda backed away from the fence then. I saw him return 10 minutes later and pick up the pieces to his shattered phone and I am sure his shattered ego. I watched out of the corner of my eye because I figured if he is this mad he may take it out on us. Luckily his friends picked him up and drove him away.

Finally people noticed him throwing the phone and we all looked confused. The games continued on and I headed into work. Once Boop got there I asked her if she saw what the f had happened with this guy! She said she was listening the whole time and was just as confused as I was. We pieced together the abortion part of the story and that this couple was just crazy. I was so glad that I was not over thinking what was going on here and that shit really was getting real! I have not been back yet to hear anymore craziness from the neighbors of the kickball field but I can only assume that this man is still with Britney and she has probably had another abortion in the following weeks, it only seemed logical to me.

Note to all you kickballers listen to the people that surround the field, you could get some crazy good entertainment out of it. And I am sorry for the calls I missed but this guy's convo was way more interesting. Cheers!

Thanks for the Blank Stare

I realized last night where my frustration towards the end of the night comes into play. There are many things through out the night that a bartender puts up with and can easily brush off. This particular move however seems to be nails on a chalkboard to me. Let's develop a scenario so you can fully picture what I am talking about here.

It's 12:30 and the bar is pretty busy with partrons requesting drinks. We, meaning your wonderful bartenders, go as fast as possible to make sure that you receive your drinks in a reasonable amount of time. We are working and running to please our customers and make sure they reward us with a generous tip (hint hint.) Unfortunately someone always messes this process up. I hate to say it because they are of my sex but female patrons tend to give you the blank stare. I have no problem serving anyone of any race, sex, religious affiliation, hobbiest, etc. What I can not stand are the zombie like people that when asked what they would like stare at you dead face like this is the toughest decision they will ever face. Literally I had a girl stare at me for a solid minute (which doesn't sound like a lot but from a bartending perspective equals enough drinks to make a difference) before she started speaking. At first I thought maybe she couldn't understand what I was saying so I repeated myself and she then slowly looks away to her friends and start asking what they would like. She continues to order for her friends and I busily make the drinks and then she continues to stare at me because she doesn't know what she wants. Listen lady I have a full bar of people who know exactly what they want and I would like to accomodate them. I suggest a beer and she agrees. It was like pulling teeth. I bring her credit card back and again she zombie stares me down. When I saw her return I let the other bartender take her order and I am pretty sure Circles decided the same thing I did, let's just hope she blacks out and leaves!

Sadly this isn't even the worse part of the night. As the night progresses and more people fill up I notice more and more credit cards come into play, and not in the let's open a tab style but in the I want to pay for this one beer with my credit card. This does not bug me until the person repeatedly comes up and makes me close the credit card each time. Not only is it a waste of my time but this person should know they have to tip accordingly with each transaction and should just leave it open. You are clearly staying til 2 so let's just call a spade a spade and start you a tab. The even worse part of the credit cards is when I can clearly see cash sitting in the wallet. Ok if you have $20 I won't take your cab money, but if you have visibly more I would rather you throw that down.

Running credit cards each time you buy 2 drinks is a waste of our time and resources. Not sure what I mean by resources but I will edit that later. I prefer to use cash because then I do not get crazy with buying shots and drinks on my tab. It irks me that instead of paying the $8 for 2 Bud Lights you give me a credit card. I know this doesn't seem like it should be a big deal but I would rather not spend an hour at the end the night entering in your $1 tip repeatedly. So basis of this section of the blog is USE CASH. It isn't a difficult concept, and think of it this way, less credit card debt later!!

I do have to commend those of you who do not dead pan stare me down and order for your friends one at a time when you see I am busy. I do also appreciate those of you that use credit cards only for ongoing tabs and the others who pay cash for that one beer. Everyone else needs to learn the rules of patronizing a bar. You can read the rules in a prevoius blog if you have questions.

Hopefully something stands out tonight and I will be able to give you a funnier blog!!

St Pattys

Let's talk about St. Pattys day. I know that I am way behind on my blogging but I think it must be discussed considering it was one of the longest days of my life. I came into work around 8:30 I believe after getting maybe an hour of sleep from the previous night. I could not find parking anywhere which shocked me cause it was so early. While pulling into the city I saw numerous people already drunk off Jameson and green beer spilling out onto lawns and into bars. My first thought was F my life what am I doing?

I arrived to a line waiting outside our door already and had to sneak through the back to set up. We all braced ourselves for the onslaught that was about to be unleashed upon our homebase. People came storming in asking for Car Bombs and Jamison shots and everything Irish they could come up with. Normally this would not alarm me however these people obviously never drink this hard and don't understand the effects that slamming bomb after bomb and shot after shot will have. We had to turn people away in the am because they were peeing themselves (true story) or they were too drunk to stumble in. After our package deal was up things started to let up a bit. Apparently all those suburbanites who swarm the city for special holidays don't expect to pay full price in bars? I am not sure what the thinking is considering I am not an idiot but hey we can't all be blessed with good looks and brains.

As the day progressed the groups were switched. The people who went hard in the morning went home to sleep. At one point I had to feed my meter and walked by a large outdoor party that looked like a sea of green clumped in an area too small to hold more than 20 people, not my idea of awesome but that's just me. I ran back to start my second shift at the back bar and as I was sneaking back through the back I saw a girl trying to climb through the window into the bar because we had reached capacity and couldnt let more in. Our lovely bouncers were on top of it and pulled her drunk ass out of the window, she needed to go home! As I proceeded into my shift things never stopped.

It was crazy how busy it stayed all day. I had a group of men who got rounds of shots and beers and it tipped me really well and it was much appreciated. Then there was a guy who tried to steal his friend's credit card to pay for his beers. No way buddy not gonna happen, stop being a goober and pay for your own booze or don't go out!! Towards the end of the night a man appeared in the back and he was blacked out and unable to articulate a word much less an order so I basically just ignored him. He kept pointing at me and saying "yup" and I just laughed. I had some regulars back there who were entirely confused by him and I just said it's typical St Pats day! So this drunkard continues to try to mumble out words and starts throwing money down on the bar. I had not served him at all so I wasn't sure what he was doing but he kept walking away so I mean I wasn't just going to let the money sit there so what's a girl to do, oops put it into the tip jar!! I heard later that he was doing the same thing at the front bar, just throwing money down and walking away so I didn't feel too bad.

I have told you stories about my wonderful customers but let's not forget my fellow employees. Now most all of us were on doubles and had had it with the drunks spilling, farting, and not tipping. We were all being troopers but I think our Dragon Master decided she needed to have some fun. I saw her around 6pm and then again about 45 minutes later she came back and was completely blacked out. She tried speaking with me but I think her and my friend who left the money were the only 2 people who would understand each other. She was dancing and having a good time. Unfortunately being there was not in her best interest at the moment so we sent her home to get some rest. I later checked my phone and saw that she had left hers at the bar and so I went to her place and dropped it off. I used my keys and went in to the tv room and quietly dropped the phone on the table. I am pretty sure I could have banged pots and pans and no one would have responded!

I completely forget an incident that happened in the morning. So I am utterly afraid of leprechauns and some guy was dressed as a leprechaun. He came to me first (it's my luck) and I calmly poured his beer and stepped as far away as I could. I mean he was a straight ginger leprechaun, short with the beard and full costume. So I continued to serve the other end of the bar and noticed him creepily staring at me from down the way. My heart started to pound and my anxiety heightened. It was like he wanted to take his magic wand out and slice my head off or turn into a small leprechaun and attack me when I least expect it. He kept staring me down and smiling at me all evil like and then I noticed my fellow bartender Glitter (that story to come soon) laughing and staring. Apparently he noticed and remembered my fear and made the leprechaun be creepy and freak me out. He later told me that he was even creeped out after awhile because the guys didn't let it up.

Basically this holiday was a success in all aspects, I saw many interesting characters that will not reemerge until next St Pats, I made money, and I got to work with a good crew. I just hope that leprechauns and cheap people stay away for a bit. Dragon Master made her way to work in the morning the next day which was pretty impressive by all standards. That's for all of you who are keeping up with her antics!!

Hopefully I will be able to be more timely with my blogs from here on out. Working on my book is keeping me busy. Geesh

No Dance Dance Revolution

You know that time of night when some old jams start to play, you hear some sweet 80's or 90s music blaring through the loud speaker and your feet start to tap to the beat and your arms start to swing around, maybe some rap is about to start and you feel your booty shaking to the ass dropping lyrics. Maybe you hear the Wilson sisters rendition of Hold On For One More Day, and think well they did it in Bridesmaids and I can do the dance. Or you hear NSYNC or Backstreet Boys and you think you know the entire choreographed routine. I am here to tell you that you do nott.

I have found the drunker people get the less their inner monologue says,"No do not embarrass yourself. Or No that poor waitress with the multiple drinks on her tray does not want any part of your dancing skills." Every weekend it seems myself and other waitresses included, try to make our way through the floor to deliver our drinks to a table waiting patiently, and it never fails that some man who is either blacked out or almost to that point starts to dance poorly and attempts to get us to dance with them. As much as I love to take part in random dancing numbers I can not seem to express enough that I would much rather make some money off of you then dance with you.

So that is my rant from a waitress point of view and now onto my rant as a normal person. Your dance moves are not good, you falling all over the place and knocking into the people around you is not fun to watch. Fist pumping is not a dance, it is an accident waiting to happen. I find it amusing when a dance circle breaks out into the middle of the floor and the poor soul is in the middle pretending they are the next best thing since Channing Tatum in Step Up, when in reality they are more reminiscent of a bad 80's teen movie. I always feel bad for the girls who get roped into the mix when guys start the dancing, you can see the fear in their face and there is no way to help them away. Friends of said gentleman should step up and pull their friend away, it's like a watching a deer in headlights get hit, not fun and terrorizing for the girl involved.

Now girls let's move on to you. Shaking your ass and "breaking it down" on the floor is unacceptable. Chances are you are being laughed at or annoying the other people around you. Also the girls who tend to dance tend to knock into more people and knock over drinks. You're dance moves are mediocre at best and should be kept for your living room when you are playing with your Kineckt gaming system. Unless you are Britney Spears keep it to a minimum. Also if you are bouncing around and knock into a server it is not our fault you can't keep your elbows to yourself and you are in our way. Do not throw us dirty looks or try to knock us over cause most of the time we are way more sober and can make things look like "accidents" words to live by.

Now I am not opposed to dancing, I myself love to dance, but I also know to keep it out of the way of everyone else and what I am good at and what I can not do. I do not think I am the next coming of Nicole Scherzinger nor will I try to be. I don't pop, lock, and drop it when I am not in a club, I think this is something we all need to remember. I am all for having fun but I am not all for people embarrassing themselves, ok that's a lie I totally am, but if it's in my way I am so not.

I took a video of a gentleman who thought he was a great dancer, this is what most of you look like so take heed the next time you feel the need to start a break out dance number:

No Pants

Now I know it has been awhile since I have blogged but I thought why not come back with a bang. This particular situation happened while the weather was still warm and the requirement for coats and scarves was non existent. Alas we have reached the winter months and I will do my best to continue to blog in an orderly time.

It was your typical Saturday night and I was working while my friends were drinking (per usual) I believe there had been a big game that brought out my fellow SIU alumni and they were not exactly what I would call sober. This group loves shots and they had been consuming them all day along with our bartender, you guessed it Dragonmaster!! Now she was off work and enjoying her time with this group in the corner of the bar.

The type of jeans she was wearing will be imperative to this story in a bit. They had holes all over the knees and butt area (not showing the goodies but the fashionable kind) and they had been ripped over the year due to snags on the bar or other debacles. At some point in the night I went over there to talk to some of the people and noticed that a hot mess was about to ensue. I saw Dragonmaster go to the bar to ask for scissors, this is where the story gets fuzzy. I am unsure of who but someone convinced her to cut her leg off of her jeans. So she stood there while one leg was cut off and went about her daily business.

Let's pain a picture: a group of intoxicated individuals with one girl who has one full pant leg and one poorly cropped other leg. As a true friend I could not let her walk around looking like that so naturally I went and chopped the other leg off as well. I would want someone to do the same for me. Unfortunately it is hard to cut a pant leg off when someone is still wearing them. She looked like a broke down hillbilly because of the chop job.

As a souvenir we posted the pant leg up on the bar and it stayed there until the Xmas decorations went up (apparently they clashed) it is a reminder that your friends are all assholes.

The group left and the pant legs stayed. we received a call later from Dragonmaster in which she was unsure of where the cab driver dropped her off and where her house was from there. Normally I would be worried about a woman walking alone in Chicago with a bag full of money but for some reason I think people would just assume she was homeless from her looks and leave her alone. I mean who would want to try to attack the girl with missing pant legs? I think the homeless didn't even want to bother with it. Luckily we found out she made it home safe and all in one piece. The pants story will forever be one of my favorites because of the hot mess that happened that night.Disclaimer: this is not Dragonmaster, this is some other poor soul who has asshole friends

Shirts Off Dance Off

Lately Sundays have turned back into Sunday fundays at the good old stomping ground. What use to just be the staff and regulars drinking has now turned into full fledged dance parties. Our parties have a twist though, our young gentlemen take off their shirts and dance together. Most places would not condone this, but we are not most places.

It all began about a month ago after a long kickball Sunday. We all needed a couple cocktails to wind down and of course it was nearing the end of Lush's reign over the bar. So we had some drinks and apparently most of the people had been drinking during the day. Well Mimosa, Mr. Creepy, Abs 2, and our newest addition to the team Victory decided to up the ante. We all were dancing having a good time when all of the sudden Abs 2 walks out of the bathroom with his shirt off and sunglasses on. This only lead to Victory and Mimosa joining in the party. For some reason we encouraged this and continued to egg them on to keep their shirts off and dance with each other.

At one point shirts went back on and if I remember correctly Mimosa was crab walking across the floor while also attempting a break dance routine. Mr. Creepy and Mimosa were having the time of their lives, continuing to take shots and dance around the bar. There were a group of people who came in later and sat in the booths and looked appalled at the dance party, as soon as the shirts were popped however they were hollering for the boys. Mimosa I must say has some special dance move to NSYNC, he knew the dance (well in his head he knew the dance) and put on a great show.

I must point out that prior to this night we had just had cameras installed into the bar a couple days before. At one time in the night Abs 2 text Cowboy Casanova to say he had a great run and he understands if he is fired, luckily it was just too funny to get in trouble over. As the night progressed I excused myself and went home. Apparently after I had left Victory, Mr. Creepy, and Mimosa all got up on the bar and danced. I am extremely sad that I missed this night, DJ Snoop said that Mr. Creepy almost face planted and took him down with him. Now that would be worth staying for.

Moral of this story is that if you want to see shirts get popped off come to the bar on Sunday nights and celebrate Sunday Funday with us!!!