It's Friday Friday

I bet you thought I was going to comment on Rebbecca Black and her annoyingly awful youtube sensation Friday. Well I am not because I do not believe giving her anymore power and celeb status is appropriate. That is all I will say on that subject. As for the title of this blog, well tomorrow is Friday and there has been a common theme on the Friday's that I work, one that I am none to thrilled about. There are not many hazards of being in the bar industry, we get to take off work when we want, we make more in a weekend than a lot of people make in 2 weeks, we get to have fun and drink while we work, there is always a constant dance party and playlist, and you get to meet and see some pretty interesting people. However this one hazard seems to creep up on you when you least expect it.

For a minute I am going to flip the switch and say a normal Friday business person's day. You wake up and get ready, have your coffee, make sure you look ok to go out for drink for happy hour with your co workers. You head to the office where they may supply you with some yummy breakfast or energy increasing supplements. You sit at your desk all day, making important calls and decisions. You go out to lunch with your co workers, probably somewhere not very healthy for you where you get any assortment of fried foods (it's Friday you are just preparing to drink your face off tonight, whats the harm?) You drink the carbonated beverages, eat your greasy food and head back to the office. The food settles and you don't go to the bathroom to take a number 2 because it's almost the end of the day.

Your co workers decide to go to a bar for happy hour and inevitably you must hold your bowels a little longer, once the beers kick in it wont matter anymore, you will forget all about it. You head to you favorite watering hole and start slowly drinking. You notice the rumbles in your tummy and look around. You are safe no one will know, you let out a silent but deadly beer/grease/plain old nasty fart. No one knows, you can blame it on the table next to you or look at your co workers and make them think they did it. No harm no foul.

Wrong. Back to a server's perspective. I am about to go greet a new table or bring someone their drinks. My job is to talk to you and make you feel comfortable and happy and want to continue to drink, after all it's Friday and I know you are ready for a weekend of fun. As I am about to attend my table I open my mouth and in comes that nasty fart the person around me just let rip. I try not to gag, I try not to breathe, what will make this better? I know my table smells it to and are wondering if it is me. I have to of course let them know it was not me and make a joke of it. Ok one fart down 100 more to go. We have matches we burn to make the smell disappear for awhile, but good lord people we only have so many matches!

You see while you sit around and eat all that gastrointestinal horrible food it curls into a ball where you let it release into the air that I breathe. I don't know how many of you know how bad a beer fart is but increase this a bit. It is like rotten eggs, that sulfuric smell of torture. Friday's are the worst because everyone around you is farting and trying to look nonchalant. Well I am hear to tell you that it is not discreet and it hurts my health I am sure from breathing in your butt stench. I hope that you all take heed of this blog, should you go out and eat like it's a hangover Sunday, make sure you use the toilet before coming into the bar. Please do not put myself and everyone else through your torture. Sincerely-Everyone

My Biggest Fear

I have decided this weak to give my dear friend Dragonmaster a break. I believe my blog has caused a sort of sobriety in her (that I do not approve of) but alas I will now give everyone something to laugh at me for.

Most people know my biggest fear, some are uncertain. I have many crazy thoughts that go through my head (as we all know by reading my blog) but some people think are worse than others. I have a fear that has haunted me my whole life. I am digging deep into my psyche and possibly endangering my life by writing this but first let's see who can guess what my fear is.

These creatures only come out at certain times of the year and for certain reasons. We just celebrated their "holy day" last week and it is generally a day that I try to stay in my house surrounded by people for because I am afraid they will ultimately come and get me. They are small and crafty, they breed on people's misfortunes and try to ruin your life by promising gold that never seems to appear. They live in the grass and terrorize your animals and your dreams. Movies have been made about these mystical creatures, scary movies that have actually (from what I hear) turned out to be comical. People eat their cereal and dress up as them on a certain day of the year.

Can you guess? Yes my biggest fear are Leprechauns. Not little people dressed as leprechauns, but real leprechauns. On March 17 every year I fear for my life and what may come about. I have been lucky and not been attacked as of yet (although if they read this blog they may come and get me.) I use to set traps when I was little to insure that I would be safe from them.

Why am I scared of them? They are little and tricksters, they have weird looking outfits, and can get away with thievery. They promise you a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow but have you ever notices the end of the rainbow is in some inconspicuous place that will lead you astray from any human life? I tried watching one of the movies before and I never could watch more than 5 minutes for fear of my life. Unfortunately one of my favorite cereals is Lucky Charms and when I eat it I feel I am betraying myself because that little green leprechaun is mocking me on the box. Who plays tricks on children and promises them marshmallows? Pedophiles and leprechauns that's who.

The similarities between the 2 are uncanny. They promise treats if you follow them around, they offer you money, they then try to steal your soul in some absurd inhumane way. I suppose they are better than Santa Clause or the Easter Bunny who make you sit on their lap and tell them your hopes and dreams and wishes, at least leprechauns are pretty straight forward about what they want out of you. There is a part in the movie that I saw where Jennifer Aniston is standing next to her car and the little creep is feeling her leg and scrapes her when she figures out it is not her horny boyfriend. (Side note why is her boyfriend hiding under a truck?) Anyway I am scared to stand next to my parked car for that reason and jump right in if no one is around. What if I feel a brush of a hand, is it a mugger, an attacker, no it's probably a damn leprechaun.

If anyone has every walked with me in a place with a grassy field you may have noticed my hesitation in frolicking about, you can thank the leprechauns. I believe they live in there and have tiny hiding places in which they crouch in attack mode to come jump out at you and play their trickery. How come they are dressed in all green and wear funny buckles and pants? It's to distract you from them stealing your soul. They think they look funny enough that you will fall for their traps, I am telling you not to do it. If you see a small person dressed as a leprechaun run far far away.

I know everyone thinks they are false like unicorns but I believe otherwise. In my experience the supernatural and mystical creatures tend to be real. We tell ourselves that they are wives tales or false illusions and hopefully for your sake they are but my gut feeling says there is more out there than meets the eye.

Look at those folks in Mobile, Alabama who saw a leprechaun, they believe in them. One guy even had a leprechaun flute passed down from his great granddad in order to keep the little suckers away. I personally would like to meet him because I think we would have a lot to talk about. If you have no idea what I am talking about you must go to youtube.com and look for the leprechaun news story from Alabama. It will rock your world and make you think twice. I mean how can an entire town believe in something and come up with the same conclusions, because it is a real epidemic down there. Also I will never be moving to Alabama for that apparent reason.

March 17 brings out the crazy people who drink car bombs, Guiness, get as drunk as possible and end up puking everywhere, but you know what I will take that over seeing a leprechaun any day! I don't even like when people dress up as them because how can you tell who is real and who isn't? You must chance it and as for me I would like a prescription for xanex for that day please.

Again you may think I am off my rocker here a bit but this is all my thoughts and I am sure once the world ends leprechauns will rule it just like cockroaches (those little things never die) and I hope that my knowledge has enlightened you a bit and seeking answers to the unknown. I also ask that my asshole friends do not post any leprechaun paraphernalia on my facebook walls because I know they are thinking about doing it. Everyone has some deep seeded fear, I just choose to share mine with the whole world. Can ya blame me for it? I should make a leprechaun awareness day, that won't send me to the nut house I am sure. Ok enough about these creatures of the dark, time for me to start campaigning!!!

For anyone who does not know me yes this is real, yes I am scared of leprechauns, did I embellish a little bit? Yes I did, but for the most part this is a pretty serious blog for me. I promise to make the next one light hearted! Dragonmaster I will be seeing you at EIU for some more stories soon!!!

Charlie Sheen and the Polar Plunge

I know this is coming out late so sorry but a girl's been busy ya know! Let's talk about Charlie Sheen. Lately he is all over the news for his off the wall comments and trendsetting sayings. I personally find it amusing and know that this day was going to come sooner or later. He went on drinking binges, drug binges, loves his hookers, I mean really we all couldn't see this coming? Anyway the thing that my co-workers and I have in common with Charlie is the Polar Plunge. Had Charlie Sheen done the Chicago Polar Plunge he would have been in our group and would have given us props on our stellar drinking and plunging skills.

Let's start with Saturday night. Lush, Dragonmaster and myself stayed at Dragonmaster's house but we first worked, well Lush and I did anyway. We took a couple shots through out the night and watched our partner black herself out (no surprise there!) and went back to her house. Once we arrived there she promptly fell asleep in her clothes on her floor next to a plugged in hair dryer. We sober ones situation ourselves on the couch telling her to go to her bed where she refused. I have played this game many a time so I knew better than to tell her to get in her bed. Lush offered for Dragonmaster to go on the futon with her where she replied, I don't like sleeping with friends, it freaks me out. So she then really passed out leaving us laughing and taking pictures of the poor girl without her knowing (she found out later, we are not that creepy.)

Fast forward 3 hours and a short nap later. We wake up where Dougie Guru comes over and start pounding beers. Our thought process was why jump into an ice cold lake sober? We head to our home base bar and meet up with the rest of the plungers. We are probably the ones who drank the most and continue to pour liquor into our bodies. As we board the bus we have a bottle of captain, some beer, and who knows what else. We are psyched to get to Lake Michigan now. We all take pulls of the bottles and I almost throw up, lucky LB helps me through by talking me down, a gift she learned from helping her sister, Mrs. Southside. We arrive at the Lake and clamber out of the bus to go register, well most of the team does.

The tent is set up in a circular pattern, myself, Dragonmaster, and Ksorbs get lost from everyone. We try calling but can't figure out how to use the phone cause well we just drank a ton in a short amount of time! We walk around the circle with beers in hand, running into people, talking to volunteers and finally finding our team who just shake their heads. Dragonmaster is blacked out again. We dance around and pump ourselves up to run into the water. It's our turn and we cut in line in front of everyone and Lush, LB, and myself hold hands and take the plunge. My plunge was more of a run in, stop, look confused, splash some water, and run out. The instant your feet hit the water you can't feel them. You are soaked and cold but adrenaline plays its part and let's you power through. We walk back to our stuff and undress and redress, luckily everyone wore bathing suits underneath.

Back to the bus where Dougie Guru passes out and we take more pictures. As soon as we get back to the bar we begin drinking. DJ Snoop is bartending and looks like a tornado is about to hit him, it is a tornado, a Charlie Sheen tornado! We order food, shots, drinks, fish bowls, basically anything you can. Dancing awkwardly begins and flip cup, and climbing on the bar. Regular patrons arrive and look a bit scared, some braved our crazy, and some decided it was not worth it. Things begin to calm down and we start discussing the events. Apparently once Dragonmaster and Dougie Guru got out of the water they went to the bathroom where they laid under hand dryers and took a brief nap.

The drinking progresses and I decided my eyes needed to rest so I put my head down on the bar. Dragonmaster slapped her head against the bar and we were told we needed to go home. Who gets kicked out of their own bar?! Muffy decided it was time before we hurt ourselves. We gather our things and head home. I instantly went to sleep and so did she. I awoke to hear the bathtub running......for 45 minutes. I then hear the shower go on and decide that I am going to wait until she gets into bed to leave so that she does not drown herself. Once she is safe I start my trek back to the bar. I know how hard it is to get a cab so I begin walking looking like a homeless person, literally.

A cab driver picks me up where he asks if I am a lesbian, whatever I am too tired to answer him so I let him talk. Meanwhile back at the bar I hear Elf is dancing on the bar and extremely drunk and her boyfriend wont come and get her so she starts falling off chairs. Most everyone proceeded to black out. I receive texts from Lush where we begin talking about the fantastic food of Cafe Ba Ba Reeba and how much we want to eat. All in all we needed to stop drinking.

I am sure I am missing great stories, but so much went on that day that it is hard to remember! Had Charlie Sheen been in our plunge group he would have been proud. He probably would have had some hookers along with him but at least would have been yelling "winning" the whole time!

Side note: pictures are taken the whole time you run into and out of the water, one surfaced of us all where Dragonmaster exposed a bit too much skin but you can tell she has no idea because she is that drunk. Go look for it on the internet, it's pretty funny.

Moral of the story, we Charlie Sheen'd the Polar Plunge and next year people have a lot to live up to!!

The Girlfriend Experience

You all probably saw this and instantly thought this was going to be some pseudo lesbian experience published for all of the internet to see huh? Sorry to disappoint but this is quite the opposite of that fantasy! However before you leave this may get interesting if you are into that psychological stuff! Let this blog begin.

I usually work every other (if not every) Saturday morning and have come to notice some trends emerging. Most people will not order JUST a diet coke or JUST a water (to cure Friday night's hangover) but they order 2 or even sometimes 3 drinks (in addition to a possible bloody Mary or mimosa) with their order. They will only drink one of these drinks however therefore annoying the server because carrying 6 drinks to a table of 2 is a pain in the ass! I have also noticed that the guys come in ready to watch games, eat some burgers, and are in a generally good mood and willing to joke with their waitress! Depending on what team they root for they are in general above average tippers, that means more than 20% for those of you who don't know how to tip properly. The trend I have noticed the most however has to do with our female clientele.

When women come in on a Saturday morning/afternoon they have been dressing to the nines. I am talking full make up, hair, knee high boots, cute outfits, basically what you would see on someone going out later at night. With this trend there are never any guys present. These women dress up for each other. Now I should not generalize this because our "regulars" know better and come in their sweats with make up from the night before. We employees at the bar tend to look presentable but do not get all dolled up on a Saturday morning because well it's a Saturday morning.

So why do these women feel the need to dress up? They want to look better than their friends perhaps, or maybe they are trying to meet mister right around the corner, or maybe they are insecure so the putting on of more clothing and make up makes them feel better. All plausible assumptions. It saddens me in a way because we feel the need to dress up for each other. Guys get to go in and hang out with their friends in comfortable clothes but some women feel society will pronounce them a leper if they show up in anything but their Saturday night best.

There is too much pressure from the surrounding population to make you feel inadequate. I personally follow the beat of my own drum and will never conform to this theory, but have pointed it out to my coworkers who have noticed that yes most of the people who come in on Saturday days are women and are all dressed spectacularly more done up then we are. As for finding mister right in the bar, I feel they are sorely mistaken. It is on general knowledge that most men want their women to be comfortable and not put on a show. I feel these women and their dress code may be more suited for a downtown lounge or brunch.

I also must state that I am not telling these girlfriends to go somewhere else, that is completely absurd, I am telling them that this is a neighborhood bar and that it is ok to come in looking like you got Charlie Sheen'd the night before and have some hair of the dog to cure the hangover. In fact I would personally prefer it because I would be able to relate to you more on that level then when you look down your nose at me because you think you are better because you are wearing knee high leather boots (that I am pretty sure you got from the clearance rack of DSW) That is neither here nor there at the moment.

The Girlfriend Experience basically means you dress up for your friends instead of for yourself. You try to act higher and mightier than those around you. You pretend that you care about what your friends are saying but we can all see through you. So please be yourselves and have some fun, it's a Saturday morning for heaven's sake!! No one is looking hot on these days!!