No Pants

Now I know it has been awhile since I have blogged but I thought why not come back with a bang. This particular situation happened while the weather was still warm and the requirement for coats and scarves was non existent. Alas we have reached the winter months and I will do my best to continue to blog in an orderly time.

It was your typical Saturday night and I was working while my friends were drinking (per usual) I believe there had been a big game that brought out my fellow SIU alumni and they were not exactly what I would call sober. This group loves shots and they had been consuming them all day along with our bartender, you guessed it Dragonmaster!! Now she was off work and enjoying her time with this group in the corner of the bar.

The type of jeans she was wearing will be imperative to this story in a bit. They had holes all over the knees and butt area (not showing the goodies but the fashionable kind) and they had been ripped over the year due to snags on the bar or other debacles. At some point in the night I went over there to talk to some of the people and noticed that a hot mess was about to ensue. I saw Dragonmaster go to the bar to ask for scissors, this is where the story gets fuzzy. I am unsure of who but someone convinced her to cut her leg off of her jeans. So she stood there while one leg was cut off and went about her daily business.

Let's pain a picture: a group of intoxicated individuals with one girl who has one full pant leg and one poorly cropped other leg. As a true friend I could not let her walk around looking like that so naturally I went and chopped the other leg off as well. I would want someone to do the same for me. Unfortunately it is hard to cut a pant leg off when someone is still wearing them. She looked like a broke down hillbilly because of the chop job.

As a souvenir we posted the pant leg up on the bar and it stayed there until the Xmas decorations went up (apparently they clashed) it is a reminder that your friends are all assholes.

The group left and the pant legs stayed. we received a call later from Dragonmaster in which she was unsure of where the cab driver dropped her off and where her house was from there. Normally I would be worried about a woman walking alone in Chicago with a bag full of money but for some reason I think people would just assume she was homeless from her looks and leave her alone. I mean who would want to try to attack the girl with missing pant legs? I think the homeless didn't even want to bother with it. Luckily we found out she made it home safe and all in one piece. The pants story will forever be one of my favorites because of the hot mess that happened that night.Disclaimer: this is not Dragonmaster, this is some other poor soul who has asshole friends

Shirts Off Dance Off

Lately Sundays have turned back into Sunday fundays at the good old stomping ground. What use to just be the staff and regulars drinking has now turned into full fledged dance parties. Our parties have a twist though, our young gentlemen take off their shirts and dance together. Most places would not condone this, but we are not most places.

It all began about a month ago after a long kickball Sunday. We all needed a couple cocktails to wind down and of course it was nearing the end of Lush's reign over the bar. So we had some drinks and apparently most of the people had been drinking during the day. Well Mimosa, Mr. Creepy, Abs 2, and our newest addition to the team Victory decided to up the ante. We all were dancing having a good time when all of the sudden Abs 2 walks out of the bathroom with his shirt off and sunglasses on. This only lead to Victory and Mimosa joining in the party. For some reason we encouraged this and continued to egg them on to keep their shirts off and dance with each other.

At one point shirts went back on and if I remember correctly Mimosa was crab walking across the floor while also attempting a break dance routine. Mr. Creepy and Mimosa were having the time of their lives, continuing to take shots and dance around the bar. There were a group of people who came in later and sat in the booths and looked appalled at the dance party, as soon as the shirts were popped however they were hollering for the boys. Mimosa I must say has some special dance move to NSYNC, he knew the dance (well in his head he knew the dance) and put on a great show.

I must point out that prior to this night we had just had cameras installed into the bar a couple days before. At one time in the night Abs 2 text Cowboy Casanova to say he had a great run and he understands if he is fired, luckily it was just too funny to get in trouble over. As the night progressed I excused myself and went home. Apparently after I had left Victory, Mr. Creepy, and Mimosa all got up on the bar and danced. I am extremely sad that I missed this night, DJ Snoop said that Mr. Creepy almost face planted and took him down with him. Now that would be worth staying for.

Moral of this story is that if you want to see shirts get popped off come to the bar on Sunday nights and celebrate Sunday Funday with us!!!

DJ Snoop Part 2

Well it's fourth of July and everyone is bombed. During the day we had our lines break at the bar which meant no soda, water, or anything that comes out of gun! It was secretly thrilling to be able to tell all those annoying girls that no they can not have their 40 waters because it's broke. They looked appalled but form my stand point it was a big middle finger to you yuppie bitches who will not tip me for the work I do running back and forth making sure your free water is filled. Ok venting done.

Let's get to the nitty gritty. So it was basically dead the Sunday before the fourth and we all sat around all day just hanging out with the few regulars that came to keep us company. I was cut around 9 in order to get ready for shift 3 of the day (bartending). So I took a break and sat at the end of the bar with some coworkers. Well my other partner for the weekend (we literally worked every shift together) Shoulder Shake (I think I am going to change it to Shimmy) sat with me. We had both just had a shitty weekend and were at our wits end. A beer and a shot will calm us down, oh wait no need DJ Snoop was to the rescue!! He apparently had been drinking all day (or just blasted a bunch of shots at once, still not sure what happened) and came over to chat with us. Seeing Shimmy all upset he said you know what will make this better? He throws his phone into the trash can, and when I say throw I mean launches. Now he has already been through several phones and decides that he is going to buy a ten dollar flip phone and use a label maker to say Iphone 5. He says the Iphone 6 is coming out so it's not a big deal.

The phone stays in the trash for a couple minutes where I warn him he may want to take it out before liquid gets dumped in there. DJ Snoop looks at me like I am an idiot and blows it off. Within 2 seconds one of the bouncers, Donnie, comes over and dumps water cups in there!! Dj Snoops jaw drops like this is the most incredulous thing he has ever seen and as Donnie turns Snoop kicks out his leg like he is going to give Donnie a kick in the butt. Well he only kicks air and stares at the phone. He finally fishes it out of the trash and it's soaking, there is no hope. We tried to let it dry but well it just wasn't working. All of the sudden we get a rush and I go back to bartend.

At this point there is still no guns or water. We are using pop bottles because we fancy like that and everything is taking longer. People are ordering ridiculous drinks and we have to keep saying no since we didn't have the mixers. One guy asks what my specialty drink was, I told him beer. He looked appalled until I literally said yea it's Victoria. He laughed and bought it so whatever, being an asshole works sometimes!! Anyway I have the employees in the corner of the bar shouting drink orders, shot orders, and I am sure inappropriate slurs at me the whole night. DJ Snoop decides he wants 14 shots of jameson or something like that. No problem, except I can't get to the cooler I needed because our space is small and we are slammed! I get him his million shots and as I am heading back he goes out wait add 2 more to that! I must have given him the look of death because he profusely apologizes and says he can wait. I pour him his extra shots and I think that was it for his drinking escapades, he was pretty much blacked out at that point. I think at one point he was making out with a girl in the corner or attempting, who knows.

So end of the night we are sweating and ready to leave. The place looks like a disaster area and there is nothing to be done about it. We clean and count money. As we are grabbing the tip money out of the bucket we notice a little silver flip phone in the bucket. DJ Snoop has decided to tip us with his Iphone 5. Although I am grateful for the gesture I am a bit worried that he will not be able to get a hold of anyone.

The next day I go out and drink with the crew and we wind up at the bar where DJ Snoop is working. He shows me his phone and how he has to know read texts upside down and it is in some creepy red devil writing. I can't do anything but laugh at this point. His shenans made my weekend that much better!!!

Out Weird the Weirdo

On any given day at any bar you will find the weirdos slinking around either scamming on girls, standing in a corner alone, or the best when they talk to the bartender. Now most of the time we don't mind if you talk to us, we like to talk to people that is why we are in this industry (well and the great money we make) but anyway this is not aimed at everyone.

About a month ago (I know I know I have been really busy lately) there was an older man who came in probably closer to 50 and sat at the bar. He had been in before and chatted up Dragonmaster who very gallantly took everything he said in stride. Well this particular Sunday he crossed a line and told her she needed to get over her grandmother's death. Who are you sir to tell anyone what they should or should not do. This set the tone for the rest of this story.

He walks in and immediately asks if he looks like hes high. Apparently homeboy decided to tell everyone he smoked a lot of pot and probably had a BAC of .08 already. Dragnomaster tried to ignore his drink requests because she didn't want anything bad to happen. Well he started talking to her and asking her questions and said he found her on linked in and shit started to get weird. She kept a smile and tried to play it off but you could tell she was getting upset with this conversation. I noticed and went to tell Muffy, he was too busy playing words with friends so he just sat there. Luckily one of our regulars from Melrose was in. He had heard what was going on and took matters into his own hands

We will name him Crazy M. So Crazy M goes to the bar and sits a couple seats away from this lunatic. He starts clearing his throat every minute and randomly touching the beer taps with one finger but does it to where he looks nervous to be touching them. He keeps jerking his hand back and attempting to touch it but in fact does not. This guy sees him and starts asking him questions and Crazy M says he is fine but continues to do odd things at the bar. Crazy M engages in conversation and starts telling the man these crazy stories hoping to scare this guy out of the bar. (The whole time he is still trying to touch the beer taps) well this goes on for at least an hour, I am hysterically laughing on the ground because this guy has no clue. My tables start to catch on and start to engage in this activity.

At one point the lunatic moves closer to CM and CM freaks out and starts yelling TOO CLOSE!!! So the guy backs away. There was a set of silverware on the bar and a spoon from a skillet cookie. CM takes the spoon and starts tapping it menacingly on the bar. The guy starts egging him on and saying he is crazy. CM just stares at him with this blank look of hatred. He then brings out the big guns, the butter knife. The guys starts saying we should take it away and not allow him to have it. CM starts slamming it on the bar and rocking back and forth and making crazy sounds. I can't be in the same area cause I am laughing much to hard at this point.

Finally CM starts to pace a bit and touch the beer taps and the guy has had it. He walks away and says he may be back. We are all hoping not due to his creepiness but you never know. CM says if he comes back he will go and get his Batman costume and wear it around the bar. The man never returns and has not since this day. It has been over a month and we are hoping he stays away.

Now the thing about working in the bar industry is that you see a lot of crazy things happen, a lot of crazy outfits, you hear a lot of crazy conversations, but there are lines that you do not cross with people. We can handle a lot but if you get over that line we call in reinforcements. Luckily we have awesome regulars who would never let anything happen to us (this of course is on days when our wonderful bouncing team is not around). The moral of this story ladies and gentleman is to not be a douche or a creep and you will not get scared out of the bar by a man with a butter knife. Boom.

Just Dance

It's Saturday night, the bar is packed. People are swinging their arms around and shaking their butts to the tunes and styling of Cowboy Casanova and Muffy. The drinks are flowing the lights are dim and somewhere in the crowd at least one couple is making out or 2 strangers are gazing over their bud lights hoping for that inevitable hook up that will partake around 3 possibly 5 am (if they proceed on to Tai's Til 4) Us servers are weaving through the crowded masses to indulge people in their beverage of choice, mind you this is no easy feat for us to get through the drunk throngs of people and we hope to at least make a dollar or 2 off of our hard work.

After delivering the libations I head back to see if I can make some poor souls buy some shots as to give me more profits. As I am making my way back I notice a group of guys who look like easy prey. (Sorry guys but it is the truth, you see a girl with a tray and automatically buy shots.) Anyway I approach them to make the sale. The next part never fails. One drunk guy in the group decides he is this era's Kevin Bacon and begins to dance. He then grabs my hand and tries to persuade me to join in the festivities. At this point I have had enough fill of drunk people and just stand their smiling politely as I decline the offer. He continues to attempt this delicate tango (which is actually more like an epileptic having a seizure) and then tries for the suave moves of twirling me around like we are in some ancient ball room. I give him a twirl still hoping for the sale because his friends are all mightily embarrassed by their cohorts actions.

He thinks this is OK and continues to dance, I laugh in good nature and proceed to speak with his friends leaving this person to dance by himself in the middle and hopefully find a new dancing partner with a young drunk girl. His friends buy shots and apologize profusely for their friend's actions. I assure them it is alright and happens every Saturday.

Now this is not just one incident I am talking about here people. This happens every Saturday. Why must drunk guys think their waitress wants to dance with them? I am literally there to take your money and be on my merry way. One guy in a group of guys out for the night thinks his dancing will lure me (and every other server) into his grasp and make us fall in love. Guess what buddy you are only keeping me from making my money that I so thoroughly work for.

Maybe it's a guy thing, maybe it's his first time at the bar, maybe he is just that drunk that he doesn't realize that I don't want to dance. I always tell them to look at that girl over there and try to persuade him away. Most of the time it works, I have had groups of friends drag their friend away and try to distract him from bothering me. Although amusing to watch from a distance when you are trying to work it is a bit annoying for someone to try to spin you around or do ridiculous dance moves around your area. It is especially tiresome when you have a tray of drinks and some dbag thinks they weigh nothing and that you want to dance then. Listen buddy this tray is heavy and all I want is to get to my table to deliver the drinks.

I find most antics and pick up lines amusing because me being as witty as I am, generally have a comeback. But sometimes you just have to know when to walk away. Some of the more funnier dances I have seen come from one of our Messner regulars. Now he has never tried to dance with me nor annoyed me ever. He is Dalton's friend and I laugh every time he does a particular move.

Every now and again we will put on some old music (I'm talking 50s and 60s with some Elvis mixed in) and he does what I like to refer to as the Elvis leg. He does this popping of his right leg to the beat of the music and imitates Elvis. It is amazing to watch his rhythm and realize that even bomb wasted he's still got the moves. Last weekend in fact he started busting it out and a small group formed around him in awe of the stellar leg. I must say in all of my time in bars his is one of my favorites. Another regular has recently come out and shown his love of boy band songs and takes the whole bar by storm in dancing to Dirty Pop and I Want it That Way. His moves are endless and his energy is tiring to watch, but you can't help to notice that he has the boy band moves down pat. Now if we could just get him to have his own trivia round where he dances for everyone it would be a great sight!!! If you are wondering who this elusive dancer is you need to look no further than the Idiot table and wait until after trivia to see the astonishing dance moves that he possesses. I can't say his name for fear that I would out him without his consent and later be sued but as soon as I get the ok I will post a video of his moves!

Inappropriate

I must say I hear many interesting things on a typical weekend night. You can hear any number of pick up lines (or sucking face noises if the pick up line worked), you can hear people's nicknames, you can hear people's lies, but most of all you hear the most inappropriate comments around because people are wasted and well it's just ok to say what you want apparently!

This stems from a weekend not too long ago while I was outside enjoying the evening air because it had actually been warm out and I see a regular wasted outside. I was chatting with a bouncer (sorry guys I can't remember who was out there) and another customer who was enjoying his nightly cigarette and was not drunk at this point. So there are 4 of us total standing on the step and people are drunk enough they are leaving to go home with each other. Sorry had to set up that picture.

Ok so as we are all standing around talking about nothing important a couple walks out there door. They do not look that drunk so I didn't think anything of it. All the sudden the regular decides to yell out (I kid you not),"Have fun eating her vagina!" I instantly turn to him and say inappropriate. He tells me that it is probably what they are doing and we can't deny it. He was just giving them the good luck shout out because he hopes she likes it. I stand there with my mouth hanging open not sure if I want to laugh or yell at him. I also am unaware if the couple had heard this little outburst.

This same regular gets the guys in on the conversation about how you need to be good at it or a girl wont like it (obviously) and I just laughed. I don't know how to respond to this conversation and the regular turns to me and keeps saying that I know what he's talking about and that I probably need to start shouting out obscene things to people as they leave. I promptly tell him that I would offend to many people and lose out on my tips!

On other inappropriate notes, for some reason being in this industry you hear things that sound perverted but really are something totally different. In my industry you get to act on what people say and make people feel weird about it! Now we try to keep our voices low but sometimes you can't help it. I like to time how long it takes for someone to say wiener (it's our favorite word in the inappropriate dictionary) and make obscene comments about that word. Mimosa walks up to me last Taco Wednesday and asked me what I was going to eat, I thought he asked if he could eat me! That brought out an entire conversation with the staff about how we all have selective hearing and only think with our minds in the gutter. I swear if someone could hear what we said we would all probably be suspended, luckily no one takes it serious!!

Also inappropriate is making out with people right next to the servers. It is uncomfortable and I do not want to see your spit being swapped or the way you so lightly grope each other, at least have the decency to go to the bathroom or outside. We have begun to play songs for people like you, if you hear Tenacious D's Fuck You Softly and you have been making out at the bar, that is our shout out to you and also to tell you to go get a damn room because you are making people throw up!!!!

Ok more on inappropriate situations later, South Park is on and I need to watch. Thanks

Inappropriate

I must say I hear many interesting things on a typical weekend night. You can hear any number of pick up lines (or sucking face noises if the pick up line worked), you can hear people's nicknames, you can hear people's lies, but most of all you hear the most inappropriate comments around because people are wasted and well it's just ok to say what you want apparently!

This stems from a weekend not too long ago while I was outside enjoying the evening air because it had actually been warm out and I see a regular wasted outside. I was chatting with a bouncer (sorry guys I can't remember who was out there) and another customer who was enjoying his nightly cigarette and was not drunk at this point. So there are 4 of us total standing on the step and people are drunk enough they are leaving to go home with each other. Sorry had to set up that picture.

Ok so as we are all standing around talking about nothing important a couple walks out there door. They do not look that drunk so I didn't think anything of it. All the sudden the regular decides to yell out (I kid you not),"Have fun eating her vagina!" I instantly turn to him and say inappropriate. He tells me that it is probably what they are doing and we can't deny it. He was just giving them the good luck shout out because he hopes she likes it. I stand there with my mouth hanging open not sure if I want to laugh or yell at him. I also am unaware if the couple had heard this little outburst.

This same regular gets the guys in on the conversation about how you need to be good at it or a girl wont like it (obviously) and I just laughed. I don't know how to respond to this conversation and the regular turns to me and keeps saying that I know what he's talking about and that I probably need to start shouting out obscene things to people as they leave. I promptly tell him that I would offend to many people and lose out on my tips!

On other inappropriate notes, for some reason being in this industry you hear things that sound perverted but really are something totally different. In my industry you get to act on what people say and make people feel weird about it! Now we try to keep our voices low but sometimes you can't help it. I like to time how long it takes for someone to say wiener (it's our favorite word in the inappropriate dictionary) and make obscene comments about that word. Mimosa walks up to me last Taco Wednesday and asked me what I was going to eat, I thought he asked if he could eat me! That brought out an entire conversation with the staff about how we all have selective hearing and only think with our minds in the gutter. I swear if someone could hear what we said we would all probably be suspended, luckily no one takes it serious!!

Also inappropriate is making out with people right next to the servers. It is uncomfortable and I do not want to see your spit being swapped or the way you so lightly grope each other, at least have the decency to go to the bathroom or outside. We have begun to play songs for people like you, if you hear Tenacious D's Fuck You Softly and you have been making out at the bar, that is our shout out to you and also to tell you to go get a damn room because you are making people throw up!!!!

Ok more on inappropriate situations later, South Park is on and I need to watch. Thanks

Inappropriate

I must say I hear many interesting things on a typical weekend night. You can hear any number of pick up lines (or sucking face noises if the pick up line worked), you can hear people's nicknames, you can hear people's lies, but most of all you hear the most inappropriate comments around because people are wasted and well it's just ok to say what you want apparently!

This stems from a weekend not too long ago while I was outside enjoying the evening air because it had actually been warm out and I see a regular wasted outside. I was chatting with a bouncer (sorry guys I can't remember who was out there) and another customer who was enjoying his nightly cigarette and was not drunk at this point. So there are 4 of us total standing on the step and people are drunk enough they are leaving to go home with each other. Sorry had to set up that picture.

Ok so as we are all standing around talking about nothing important a couple walks out there door. They do not look that drunk so I didn't think anything of it. All the sudden the regular decides to yell out (I kid you not),"Have fun eating her vagina!" I instantly turn to him and say inappropriate. He tells me that it is probably what they are doing and we can't deny it. He was just giving them the good luck shout out because he hopes she likes it. I stand there with my mouth hanging open not sure if I want to laugh or yell at him. I also am unaware if the couple had heard this little outburst.

This same regular gets the guys in on the conversation about how you need to be good at it or a girl wont like it (obviously) and I just laughed. I don't know how to respond to this conversation and the regular turns to me and keeps saying that I know what he's talking about and that I probably need to start shouting out obscene things to people as they leave. I promptly tell him that I would offend to many people and lose out on my tips!

On other inappropriate notes, for some reason being in this industry you hear things that sound perverted but really are something totally different. In my industry you get to act on what people say and make people feel weird about it! Now we try to keep our voices low but sometimes you can't help it. I like to time how long it takes for someone to say wiener (it's our favorite word in the inappropriate dictionary) and make obscene comments about that word. Mimosa walks up to me last Taco Wednesday and asked me what I was going to eat, I thought he asked if he could eat me! That brought out an entire conversation with the staff about how we all have selective hearing and only think with our minds in the gutter. I swear if someone could hear what we said we would all probably be suspended, luckily no one takes it serious!!

Also inappropriate is making out with people right next to the servers. It is uncomfortable and I do not want to see your spit being swapped or the way you so lightly grope each other, at least have the decency to go to the bathroom or outside. We have begun to play songs for people like you, if you hear Tenacious D's Fuck You Softly and you have been making out at the bar, that is our shout out to you and also to tell you to go get a damn room because you are making people throw up!!!!

Ok more on inappropriate situations later, South Park is on and I need to watch. Thanks

Inappropriate

I must say I hear many interesting things on a typical weekend night. You can hear any number of pick up lines (or sucking face noises if the pick up line worked), you can hear people's nicknames, you can hear people's lies, but most of all you hear the most inappropriate comments around because people are wasted and well it's just ok to say what you want apparently!

This stems from a weekend not too long ago while I was outside enjoying the evening air because it had actually been warm out and I see a regular wasted outside. I was chatting with a bouncer (sorry guys I can't remember who was out there) and another customer who was enjoying his nightly cigarette and was not drunk at this point. So there are 4 of us total standing on the step and people are drunk enough they are leaving to go home with each other. Sorry had to set up that picture.

Ok so as we are all standing around talking about nothing important a couple walks out there door. They do not look that drunk so I didn't think anything of it. All the sudden the regular decides to yell out (I kid you not),"Have fun eating her vagina!" I instantly turn to him and say inappropriate. He tells me that it is probably what they are doing and we can't deny it. He was just giving them the good luck shout out because he hopes she likes it. I stand there with my mouth hanging open not sure if I want to laugh or yell at him. I also am unaware if the couple had heard this little outburst.

This same regular gets the guys in on the conversation about how you need to be good at it or a girl wont like it (obviously) and I just laughed. I don't know how to respond to this conversation and the regular turns to me and keeps saying that I know what he's talking about and that I probably need to start shouting out obscene things to people as they leave. I promptly tell him that I would offend to many people and lose out on my tips!

On other inappropriate notes, for some reason being in this industry you hear things that sound perverted but really are something totally different. In my industry you get to act on what people say and make people feel weird about it! Now we try to keep our voices low but sometimes you can't help it. I like to time how long it takes for someone to say wiener (it's our favorite word in the inappropriate dictionary) and make obscene comments about that word. Mimosa walks up to me last Taco Wednesday and asked me what I was going to eat, I thought he asked if he could eat me! That brought out an entire conversation with the staff about how we all have selective hearing and only think with our minds in the gutter. I swear if someone could hear what we said we would all probably be suspended, luckily no one takes it serious!!

Also inappropriate is making out with people right next to the servers. It is uncomfortable and I do not want to see your spit being swapped or the way you so lightly grope each other, at least have the decency to go to the bathroom or outside. We have begun to play songs for people like you, if you hear Tenacious D's Fuck You Softly and you have been making out at the bar, that is our shout out to you and also to tell you to go get a damn room because you are making people throw up!!!!

Ok more on inappropriate situations later, South Park is on and I need to watch. Thanks

This is the Life of DJ Snoop

For a Saturday we were busy and it was only day time! I would like to think it was due to the fact the Bulls are kicking ass and taking names this year. Either way it was a good crowd. It was good enough to call in the big DJ guns and of course our one and only DJ Snoop came strolling in on a couple hours of sleep. He thought the game was later in the evening, oops.

After the craziness of the game (and the random old people bar crawl that strolled in) DJ Snoop decided to kick back and have a couple drinks before coming in later to be a door guy. He began around 2 and I got done working around 6ish. I went over to count my money and see what the deal was. In the 4 hours of sitting at the bar with Mr. Creeptastic he had rung up a $100 bill, by himself. Now there was one young lady sitting at the bar completely blacked out and making awkward advances towards him. I noticed wherever he went she shortly followed.

At one point he came up and asked me to help him get away from this girl. I mean think of a Saturday night 3am clinger with the makeup running down her face and the hair a bit messy, that was this chick, I wouldn't touch her with his downstairs!

So after checking my money we were chatting and he asked if I could drive him home cause he needed a nap before coming back in. Apparently he had moved his car earlier in the day and what was normally an easy parallel park job took him 45 minutes and his car was slanted and sticking out like an asshole. Needless to say I obliged and took him home. As we were making our way out the door this train wrecked girl starts grabbing his butt and following us. I was afraid she was going to go all Single White Female on us so I ducked out and let him take care of it. I don't know how but he dodged that bullet quick. We climb into the car and head to his place (which by the way I had no idea where he lived and all he kept saying was just go straight) so we stop at the gas station and he offers to buy me ruffle's chips, apparently I look like I eat a lot of those. Awesome. Anyway we get to his place and as I am dropping him off I wonder how he will get back to work.

He explains he has a bike and will venture to work on it. It has already snowed today and getting colder by the minute but I will let him figure it out. I tell him to sleep and drive away. I had to circle back around because the dumb asses on Diversey apparently can't drive. So I pass by his place where he is outside smoking a cig with his roommate and chit chatting. Mind you he has to be back at work by 9 and it is past 7 now. I yell at him to go inside and sleep.

Fast forward to 9:15pm. I receive a text explaining he just got out of the shower and the room is still spinning. Awesome. I made sure to let him know he was already late for work. He said he knew and was working on getting there but the John Daley's were really catching up to him at this point. He made it in to work where I learned later that the entire staff decided to drink and get crazy and go to the after hours bar! DJ Snoop said that when he was at work he sobered up just to get drunk again with Mr. Circles. I wish I had been there to see this, I am sure it would have added to this blog.

I saw DJ Snoop on Sunday and he said that he finally recovered and that he found his car still parked like an asshole on the street and faintly remembered the 45 minute park job. He then threatened to poison my buffalo wings, yes ladies he is a keeper!!!!

Don't Be Surprised

Ok we all know Cubs and Sox season has began. We also know people are going to be talking shit all season and that in the end it is NOT the Cubs year (again). With this being said I must forwarn you all that you may be offended by this article if you are a Cubs fan, sorry bout your loss.

Moving on. I work in a Sox bar. Everyone there is a Sox fan minus like 3 people, we all watch the games, know who the players are, and will always be Sox fans. If you look around we do not have any Cubs paraphernalia on the walls. We do however have a Sox shirt to wave our undying loyalty to the Sox. The reason we do not sport more is because we are located in Wrigley and apparently Cubs fans there can't handle anyone not being a Cubs fan. I proudly sport my Sox gear during game days when I work and I always get the same question,"Are you really a Sox fan?" Let me explain why this question is absolutely absurd.

Why would I go out of my way and spend my hard earned money on a shirt to support a team I do not like? Why would I talk baseball and give you a disgusted look if you talk about the opposing team. Why would I wear a Sox shirt in a "Cubs territory"? So basically to help anyone out who comes in and asks any one of us if we are really Sox fans, yes we are. I promise you we are not messing with you, we do not go out and pay money for Cubs shirts just to make you happy, we buy our Sox shirts because we are fans. If you honestly can't handle being in a bar that does not have any Cubs gear on it then please make your way over to Clarke street, but first why not ask the millions of Cubs "fans" to name 5 players on the team, I bet they can't. Take for example this girl:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yxIXnR5Zuqw

My point has been made. We do not hate on you for being Cubs fans so please don't hate on us. Let's make this a friendly rivalry and all will be well in the bar world!! There is my rant for right now!

It's Friday Friday

I bet you thought I was going to comment on Rebbecca Black and her annoyingly awful youtube sensation Friday. Well I am not because I do not believe giving her anymore power and celeb status is appropriate. That is all I will say on that subject. As for the title of this blog, well tomorrow is Friday and there has been a common theme on the Friday's that I work, one that I am none to thrilled about. There are not many hazards of being in the bar industry, we get to take off work when we want, we make more in a weekend than a lot of people make in 2 weeks, we get to have fun and drink while we work, there is always a constant dance party and playlist, and you get to meet and see some pretty interesting people. However this one hazard seems to creep up on you when you least expect it.

For a minute I am going to flip the switch and say a normal Friday business person's day. You wake up and get ready, have your coffee, make sure you look ok to go out for drink for happy hour with your co workers. You head to the office where they may supply you with some yummy breakfast or energy increasing supplements. You sit at your desk all day, making important calls and decisions. You go out to lunch with your co workers, probably somewhere not very healthy for you where you get any assortment of fried foods (it's Friday you are just preparing to drink your face off tonight, whats the harm?) You drink the carbonated beverages, eat your greasy food and head back to the office. The food settles and you don't go to the bathroom to take a number 2 because it's almost the end of the day.

Your co workers decide to go to a bar for happy hour and inevitably you must hold your bowels a little longer, once the beers kick in it wont matter anymore, you will forget all about it. You head to you favorite watering hole and start slowly drinking. You notice the rumbles in your tummy and look around. You are safe no one will know, you let out a silent but deadly beer/grease/plain old nasty fart. No one knows, you can blame it on the table next to you or look at your co workers and make them think they did it. No harm no foul.

Wrong. Back to a server's perspective. I am about to go greet a new table or bring someone their drinks. My job is to talk to you and make you feel comfortable and happy and want to continue to drink, after all it's Friday and I know you are ready for a weekend of fun. As I am about to attend my table I open my mouth and in comes that nasty fart the person around me just let rip. I try not to gag, I try not to breathe, what will make this better? I know my table smells it to and are wondering if it is me. I have to of course let them know it was not me and make a joke of it. Ok one fart down 100 more to go. We have matches we burn to make the smell disappear for awhile, but good lord people we only have so many matches!

You see while you sit around and eat all that gastrointestinal horrible food it curls into a ball where you let it release into the air that I breathe. I don't know how many of you know how bad a beer fart is but increase this a bit. It is like rotten eggs, that sulfuric smell of torture. Friday's are the worst because everyone around you is farting and trying to look nonchalant. Well I am hear to tell you that it is not discreet and it hurts my health I am sure from breathing in your butt stench. I hope that you all take heed of this blog, should you go out and eat like it's a hangover Sunday, make sure you use the toilet before coming into the bar. Please do not put myself and everyone else through your torture. Sincerely-Everyone

My Biggest Fear

I have decided this weak to give my dear friend Dragonmaster a break. I believe my blog has caused a sort of sobriety in her (that I do not approve of) but alas I will now give everyone something to laugh at me for.

Most people know my biggest fear, some are uncertain. I have many crazy thoughts that go through my head (as we all know by reading my blog) but some people think are worse than others. I have a fear that has haunted me my whole life. I am digging deep into my psyche and possibly endangering my life by writing this but first let's see who can guess what my fear is.

These creatures only come out at certain times of the year and for certain reasons. We just celebrated their "holy day" last week and it is generally a day that I try to stay in my house surrounded by people for because I am afraid they will ultimately come and get me. They are small and crafty, they breed on people's misfortunes and try to ruin your life by promising gold that never seems to appear. They live in the grass and terrorize your animals and your dreams. Movies have been made about these mystical creatures, scary movies that have actually (from what I hear) turned out to be comical. People eat their cereal and dress up as them on a certain day of the year.

Can you guess? Yes my biggest fear are Leprechauns. Not little people dressed as leprechauns, but real leprechauns. On March 17 every year I fear for my life and what may come about. I have been lucky and not been attacked as of yet (although if they read this blog they may come and get me.) I use to set traps when I was little to insure that I would be safe from them.

Why am I scared of them? They are little and tricksters, they have weird looking outfits, and can get away with thievery. They promise you a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow but have you ever notices the end of the rainbow is in some inconspicuous place that will lead you astray from any human life? I tried watching one of the movies before and I never could watch more than 5 minutes for fear of my life. Unfortunately one of my favorite cereals is Lucky Charms and when I eat it I feel I am betraying myself because that little green leprechaun is mocking me on the box. Who plays tricks on children and promises them marshmallows? Pedophiles and leprechauns that's who.

The similarities between the 2 are uncanny. They promise treats if you follow them around, they offer you money, they then try to steal your soul in some absurd inhumane way. I suppose they are better than Santa Clause or the Easter Bunny who make you sit on their lap and tell them your hopes and dreams and wishes, at least leprechauns are pretty straight forward about what they want out of you. There is a part in the movie that I saw where Jennifer Aniston is standing next to her car and the little creep is feeling her leg and scrapes her when she figures out it is not her horny boyfriend. (Side note why is her boyfriend hiding under a truck?) Anyway I am scared to stand next to my parked car for that reason and jump right in if no one is around. What if I feel a brush of a hand, is it a mugger, an attacker, no it's probably a damn leprechaun.

If anyone has every walked with me in a place with a grassy field you may have noticed my hesitation in frolicking about, you can thank the leprechauns. I believe they live in there and have tiny hiding places in which they crouch in attack mode to come jump out at you and play their trickery. How come they are dressed in all green and wear funny buckles and pants? It's to distract you from them stealing your soul. They think they look funny enough that you will fall for their traps, I am telling you not to do it. If you see a small person dressed as a leprechaun run far far away.

I know everyone thinks they are false like unicorns but I believe otherwise. In my experience the supernatural and mystical creatures tend to be real. We tell ourselves that they are wives tales or false illusions and hopefully for your sake they are but my gut feeling says there is more out there than meets the eye.

Look at those folks in Mobile, Alabama who saw a leprechaun, they believe in them. One guy even had a leprechaun flute passed down from his great granddad in order to keep the little suckers away. I personally would like to meet him because I think we would have a lot to talk about. If you have no idea what I am talking about you must go to youtube.com and look for the leprechaun news story from Alabama. It will rock your world and make you think twice. I mean how can an entire town believe in something and come up with the same conclusions, because it is a real epidemic down there. Also I will never be moving to Alabama for that apparent reason.

March 17 brings out the crazy people who drink car bombs, Guiness, get as drunk as possible and end up puking everywhere, but you know what I will take that over seeing a leprechaun any day! I don't even like when people dress up as them because how can you tell who is real and who isn't? You must chance it and as for me I would like a prescription for xanex for that day please.

Again you may think I am off my rocker here a bit but this is all my thoughts and I am sure once the world ends leprechauns will rule it just like cockroaches (those little things never die) and I hope that my knowledge has enlightened you a bit and seeking answers to the unknown. I also ask that my asshole friends do not post any leprechaun paraphernalia on my facebook walls because I know they are thinking about doing it. Everyone has some deep seeded fear, I just choose to share mine with the whole world. Can ya blame me for it? I should make a leprechaun awareness day, that won't send me to the nut house I am sure. Ok enough about these creatures of the dark, time for me to start campaigning!!!

For anyone who does not know me yes this is real, yes I am scared of leprechauns, did I embellish a little bit? Yes I did, but for the most part this is a pretty serious blog for me. I promise to make the next one light hearted! Dragonmaster I will be seeing you at EIU for some more stories soon!!!

Charlie Sheen and the Polar Plunge

I know this is coming out late so sorry but a girl's been busy ya know! Let's talk about Charlie Sheen. Lately he is all over the news for his off the wall comments and trendsetting sayings. I personally find it amusing and know that this day was going to come sooner or later. He went on drinking binges, drug binges, loves his hookers, I mean really we all couldn't see this coming? Anyway the thing that my co-workers and I have in common with Charlie is the Polar Plunge. Had Charlie Sheen done the Chicago Polar Plunge he would have been in our group and would have given us props on our stellar drinking and plunging skills.

Let's start with Saturday night. Lush, Dragonmaster and myself stayed at Dragonmaster's house but we first worked, well Lush and I did anyway. We took a couple shots through out the night and watched our partner black herself out (no surprise there!) and went back to her house. Once we arrived there she promptly fell asleep in her clothes on her floor next to a plugged in hair dryer. We sober ones situation ourselves on the couch telling her to go to her bed where she refused. I have played this game many a time so I knew better than to tell her to get in her bed. Lush offered for Dragonmaster to go on the futon with her where she replied, I don't like sleeping with friends, it freaks me out. So she then really passed out leaving us laughing and taking pictures of the poor girl without her knowing (she found out later, we are not that creepy.)

Fast forward 3 hours and a short nap later. We wake up where Dougie Guru comes over and start pounding beers. Our thought process was why jump into an ice cold lake sober? We head to our home base bar and meet up with the rest of the plungers. We are probably the ones who drank the most and continue to pour liquor into our bodies. As we board the bus we have a bottle of captain, some beer, and who knows what else. We are psyched to get to Lake Michigan now. We all take pulls of the bottles and I almost throw up, lucky LB helps me through by talking me down, a gift she learned from helping her sister, Mrs. Southside. We arrive at the Lake and clamber out of the bus to go register, well most of the team does.

The tent is set up in a circular pattern, myself, Dragonmaster, and Ksorbs get lost from everyone. We try calling but can't figure out how to use the phone cause well we just drank a ton in a short amount of time! We walk around the circle with beers in hand, running into people, talking to volunteers and finally finding our team who just shake their heads. Dragonmaster is blacked out again. We dance around and pump ourselves up to run into the water. It's our turn and we cut in line in front of everyone and Lush, LB, and myself hold hands and take the plunge. My plunge was more of a run in, stop, look confused, splash some water, and run out. The instant your feet hit the water you can't feel them. You are soaked and cold but adrenaline plays its part and let's you power through. We walk back to our stuff and undress and redress, luckily everyone wore bathing suits underneath.

Back to the bus where Dougie Guru passes out and we take more pictures. As soon as we get back to the bar we begin drinking. DJ Snoop is bartending and looks like a tornado is about to hit him, it is a tornado, a Charlie Sheen tornado! We order food, shots, drinks, fish bowls, basically anything you can. Dancing awkwardly begins and flip cup, and climbing on the bar. Regular patrons arrive and look a bit scared, some braved our crazy, and some decided it was not worth it. Things begin to calm down and we start discussing the events. Apparently once Dragonmaster and Dougie Guru got out of the water they went to the bathroom where they laid under hand dryers and took a brief nap.

The drinking progresses and I decided my eyes needed to rest so I put my head down on the bar. Dragonmaster slapped her head against the bar and we were told we needed to go home. Who gets kicked out of their own bar?! Muffy decided it was time before we hurt ourselves. We gather our things and head home. I instantly went to sleep and so did she. I awoke to hear the bathtub running......for 45 minutes. I then hear the shower go on and decide that I am going to wait until she gets into bed to leave so that she does not drown herself. Once she is safe I start my trek back to the bar. I know how hard it is to get a cab so I begin walking looking like a homeless person, literally.

A cab driver picks me up where he asks if I am a lesbian, whatever I am too tired to answer him so I let him talk. Meanwhile back at the bar I hear Elf is dancing on the bar and extremely drunk and her boyfriend wont come and get her so she starts falling off chairs. Most everyone proceeded to black out. I receive texts from Lush where we begin talking about the fantastic food of Cafe Ba Ba Reeba and how much we want to eat. All in all we needed to stop drinking.

I am sure I am missing great stories, but so much went on that day that it is hard to remember! Had Charlie Sheen been in our plunge group he would have been proud. He probably would have had some hookers along with him but at least would have been yelling "winning" the whole time!

Side note: pictures are taken the whole time you run into and out of the water, one surfaced of us all where Dragonmaster exposed a bit too much skin but you can tell she has no idea because she is that drunk. Go look for it on the internet, it's pretty funny.

Moral of the story, we Charlie Sheen'd the Polar Plunge and next year people have a lot to live up to!!

The Girlfriend Experience

You all probably saw this and instantly thought this was going to be some pseudo lesbian experience published for all of the internet to see huh? Sorry to disappoint but this is quite the opposite of that fantasy! However before you leave this may get interesting if you are into that psychological stuff! Let this blog begin.

I usually work every other (if not every) Saturday morning and have come to notice some trends emerging. Most people will not order JUST a diet coke or JUST a water (to cure Friday night's hangover) but they order 2 or even sometimes 3 drinks (in addition to a possible bloody Mary or mimosa) with their order. They will only drink one of these drinks however therefore annoying the server because carrying 6 drinks to a table of 2 is a pain in the ass! I have also noticed that the guys come in ready to watch games, eat some burgers, and are in a generally good mood and willing to joke with their waitress! Depending on what team they root for they are in general above average tippers, that means more than 20% for those of you who don't know how to tip properly. The trend I have noticed the most however has to do with our female clientele.

When women come in on a Saturday morning/afternoon they have been dressing to the nines. I am talking full make up, hair, knee high boots, cute outfits, basically what you would see on someone going out later at night. With this trend there are never any guys present. These women dress up for each other. Now I should not generalize this because our "regulars" know better and come in their sweats with make up from the night before. We employees at the bar tend to look presentable but do not get all dolled up on a Saturday morning because well it's a Saturday morning.

So why do these women feel the need to dress up? They want to look better than their friends perhaps, or maybe they are trying to meet mister right around the corner, or maybe they are insecure so the putting on of more clothing and make up makes them feel better. All plausible assumptions. It saddens me in a way because we feel the need to dress up for each other. Guys get to go in and hang out with their friends in comfortable clothes but some women feel society will pronounce them a leper if they show up in anything but their Saturday night best.

There is too much pressure from the surrounding population to make you feel inadequate. I personally follow the beat of my own drum and will never conform to this theory, but have pointed it out to my coworkers who have noticed that yes most of the people who come in on Saturday days are women and are all dressed spectacularly more done up then we are. As for finding mister right in the bar, I feel they are sorely mistaken. It is on general knowledge that most men want their women to be comfortable and not put on a show. I feel these women and their dress code may be more suited for a downtown lounge or brunch.

I also must state that I am not telling these girlfriends to go somewhere else, that is completely absurd, I am telling them that this is a neighborhood bar and that it is ok to come in looking like you got Charlie Sheen'd the night before and have some hair of the dog to cure the hangover. In fact I would personally prefer it because I would be able to relate to you more on that level then when you look down your nose at me because you think you are better because you are wearing knee high leather boots (that I am pretty sure you got from the clearance rack of DSW) That is neither here nor there at the moment.

The Girlfriend Experience basically means you dress up for your friends instead of for yourself. You try to act higher and mightier than those around you. You pretend that you care about what your friends are saying but we can all see through you. So please be yourselves and have some fun, it's a Saturday morning for heaven's sake!! No one is looking hot on these days!!

Oh Really?

We had our annual holiday party where the whole company gets on buses and heads to the casino for open bar and gambling. We meet up at one of the bars beforehand and get a couple drinks in while prizes are awarded. This year we came up with the idea to make t-shirts to distinguish ourselves from the rest of the company.

Well little did we know all we had to do was wear jeans and we would be distinguished as different! Most of the time these parties are very relaxed and people don't feel the need to dress up. Dragonmaster and I walked in with jeans, boots, and our hot tshirts on. I believe one of my friends (we shall call her Hanson for her love of the band Hanson) said it best." I thought we were going to a holiday party, not Miami." Oh this one nailed it on the head. Most of the other bars dressed to the nines, I am talking stilettos, dresses, full make up, stuff that we just don't do.

So we sat around and had a couple beers and the buses came and picked us up. Of course my fellow staffers were the first on the party bus, or so we thought. We saw 2 guys in the back just chillin and we asked how they got on before us and they replied they knew people. We then asked where they worked and they responded (the bar I work at) so we started giving them shit saying ohhhh these guys works at (our bar) and kept going on and on. They were good sports and they learned we actually worked there and had made tshirts. I finally turned around and asked where they really worked.

The one guy said I am about to embarrass you, I said try me. He then told me the guy sitting next to him was the owner. Gulp. I quickly turned to Dragonmaster and for a minute we were silent. Of course they were super cool and joked around with us and partied with us and i am pretty sure we made their bus trip way more memorable. I mean we were the only employees on the busy dancing and singing and having a good time, how could you not love us?!

I guess the moral of the story here is don't be an asshole unless you know for sure that the owner of the company is not sitting on the bus with you!?

Drunks Are My Entertainment

Sometimes you are really busy at night, sometimes you have those off slow nights. I unfortunately had a slow night this past Saturday. While there was suppose to be a 35 person showing up (only 8 bought wrist bands) there were some other stragglers hanging around. I had been on a double that day so I didn't mind that it wasn't crazy busy at night.

I got to catch up with Dalton and Dougie and people watch. Now I had 3 guys hanging around who pretty much gave me all the money they had because I gave them all their drinks. They didn't expect me to talk to them or interact, they just wanted their drinks, perfect customers I would say. So the night went on people from the party were pretty much done with me. I sat on the cooler and retrieved the occasional beverage for the random customer. In my last hour of being in "time out" I noticed these 2 drunk St. Louis fans standing at my bar.

I served them a couple beers and the one guy started to dance a bit, and by dance I mean flop his arms. Well me being bored and kind of a bitch, egged him on. He thought he was really good and kept going, so I ketp going. I would start clapping and shouting for him and he got really into it. Dougie was sitting at the bar and just kept shaking her head, not sure if it was because this amused her or the guy was hitting on her. Either way it was enough to make my night that much better.

The next twosome I saw were a young couple. I don't know how long they had known each other or if they had any idea that they were not in their parent's basement. They were passionately making out against a wall (possibly even doing the dirty) and I just couldn't help but looking. It was that whole train wreck scenario all over again. So of course being in a bored state of mind I started cat calling them. Well some of the people from the earlier party got in on it to and this couple still went at it. I think they came up for air a couple times but it was a sight for everyone to behold.

Side note: the guy in this last scene may have been gay. I am just saying he had on a low cut v neck sweater and tight pants. I later heard he was moving to Australia and some other girl was crying over him. So maybe he is just foreign and unsure of how to act in America?

The topper of the day began in the morning though. Dougie and I were both on double duty and Dragonmaster opened the bar. Apparently when Muffy got in she was behind the bar with a can of coors sipping the sweet nectar of the gods. Well I had a table come in and decided to do tons of shots. Dragonmaster felt she needed to keep up on this with them and every time they did a shot she did a shot. By about 1pm she was blacked out. Luckily I have had much practice in handling this sort of emergency situation and had already figured out how to waitress and back her up as needed. Luckily we weren't crazy busy so she was able to keep up.

She had a bar crawl to go on that night, something about Screw Cupid, and I swear I thought she would go home and pass out. I underestimated my friend. She made it home and made it on the bar crawl. Unfortunately there is not telling what happened that night or how much she continued to drink. She met a boy, made out with him, he drove home with her in a cab, they got out, she made out with him and then told him bye and locked the door on his face. Now that my friend is how you just say no.

I know we all get drunk and I am sure on more than 1 occasion I have been that girl that the server makes fun of, luckily I always hear about it the next day because I go out where I work (need to work on that move) and I am not too big of an ass. I hope these people read about themselves in here and think wow that's me, or maybe someone will read this and think wow maybe I shouldn't stick my tongue down someone's throat in a crowded public area? But here's wishing and knowing that this weekend i will again experience dancing, kissing, and assortments of drunken mistakes while I work and serve!

Do The Creep

This guy is clearly creeping on my friend and has no clue!!

Ok so I was watching SNL on hulu of course because I can never catch it when it is actually airing and I was pleasantly surprised. I laughed through almost all of it (which hasn't happened in so very long, sigh.) Anyway Lonely Island did a song called The Creep. I will post it below this but basically it is 3 guys who look like John Waters impersonators and creep on girls in the clubs, in the court room, basically anywhere girls are. They do this dance that is super creepy to.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLPZmPaHme0

The above is the link to the site and video.

Anyway watching this has made me go back and think about all those creepy guys that you get at the bar. We all know the people, they come at you with stupid pick up lines, breathing their nasty alcohol breath, and trying to take you home. Generally they just creep you out. When I worked at my bar in college we had a dance floor in the middle of the upstairs and I would witness poor young girls getting creeped on by older males (when I say older I mean 22 because that was old to an 18 year old back then) and running away.

My friends and I would always tell them we weren't into guys and had signals to help get us away. At this point in my life I am extremely blunt and just tell the creeps to go away. But I do remember dancing with my sorority sisters and some guy who I had never seen before would come up and start grinding his pelvis into my back thinking this was attractive. Reality check, you just lost any chance you had, if I wanted to dance with you I would have, now back off!!

Bartending was another story in itself. I always had guys trying to tell me how pretty I was or how I am their favorite bartender. I never knew if they were trying to score a free drink or being honest, but unless they tipped me well I would send my male bartenders over to deal with them! I have found that working in the city I don't deal with as many creeps as I did in college. Maybe the fact that the regulars are constantly around and my bouncers make sure nobody messes with us, either way whatever it is the creeps stay away.
We had all just worked a night together and looked like the creepiest people in the bar.

There was one time in the summer when I was out with some of the girls who stayed down in Carbondale with me and I was working at the first bar and this guy with this thick mustache had been my customer the night before. I had served him all night and he was tipping me well, I never led on to anything else, just kept it customer and server because really a mustache is not my scene, and he was like 40. So anyway after we pregame and my friend's house we head to my bar. We are doing shots and getting nice and toasty when another server brings over a tray of shots and says this is from the guys at the bar, they said they knew you.

Me being naive and thinking it was a friend turn around and am ready to go shot for shot with a friend when I see dun dun dun Mr. Mustache. He bought my friends a couple more rounds and came over and talked to me. My friends (being the assholes that they are) left me to fend for myself. This guy thought he had a chance, I mean I am not outright mean and who knew if he would be back so I didn't want to burn bridges but he talked my ear off. I am not sure about what because I had probably drank a bottle of vodka and then some by this point but the girls were sitting at the bar and yelled my name. I turn and they snapped a picture of me and the guy that still haunts me to this day. I basically look like I am ready to kill them and he is cheesin it up for the camera.

I can't say he was majorly creepy because I think he was just trying to be friendly but it was a little weird. I clearly was barely 21 at this point so I mean it was a bit strange. I definitely thought of Mr. Mustache doing The Creep in the video walking around the bar! That picture by the way ended up on every fridge of every house I lived in, or it was at someone's house that I frequented a lot, thanks again ladies!

It is not just patrons of bars that get creepy, it's also those guys at parties who are newbies or out of towners who don't know how to ask. I clearly was a sorority girl and attended my fair amount of fraternity parties and there were always some young guys who were awkward and unsure of how to approach the situation. Unfortunately for them a lot of the girls who went to these parties were either dating or trying to date someone at the house. I don't think I ever had that problem actually but I definitely saw it going on more and more, apparently I came off a lot bitchier than I intended most of the time. Oh well saved me from creepy situations.

So this one time a bunch of my best friends were in my bar (per usual) belly up at my bar (again per usual) and 2 of them had always had a penchant for making the other look stupid. Well "Mandy" decided to send the creepiest guy in the bar over to one of the girls and tell him that she really wanted to talk to him. The other girl, not to be outdone, found the next creepiest guy and sent him over. They would send shots each others way saying the creepy guy bought them (well I would be the one to have to say it) and send them to random people from each other, and this would go on for hours. I guess creepy guys do have a good use after all?

I know I have tons more creeper stories out there for you guys I will have to think of them over the next couple days. I will be heading to Carbondale for recruitment with my sorority and will try to update this a bit, but while down there I will also be collecting stories for my book to be published!! So don't hate me if I don't blog for a bit, but keep checking back because you never know when a good story may strike again!

We may look like your typical group of friends but deep down we know how to creep.
Do The Creep!!!

Da Bears

Although yesterday's crushing lost left an entirely too large of an ache in Chicago's hearts the party still had to go on. We opened the bar at our normal 11am time, however had the entire bar pretty much packed in by 10:45. People camped all day waiting for this showdown between the Packers and the beloved Bears. As the game went on we went in to fits of hatred to fits of excitement to the ultimate let down all season. The Packers ended up winning in a devastating loss that could have been prevented had our Bears played like this game actually mattered. (I am sorry for your loss Dalton)

Enough about this tragedy however. This is the second Sunday in which things took a turn for the crazy! Last Sunday I worked waitressing and then bartending on literally no sleep and things were going fine for awhile. Everyone was having a grand old time because a lot of people had off for MLK day and were just getting hammered as usual. Shimmy was in with her friends and they were taking down shots and beer like it was going out of style. About 3 quarters of the way through the night a guy slapped her ass. She politely asked him not to do that and decided he needed to be cut off.

Well the other guy I was bartending with, Circles, had definitely agreed to cut him off so he told the guy this when he was asked and the guy flipped out. I was on the other end of the bar and all I saw was this guy come running around the bar and get in Circles' face. He started trying to physically assault him and luckily we have the most awesome regulars that came to the rescue! They jumped right in to pull this guy away but not before this guy ripped off Circles' shirt! Literally hulk style tore it off him. They got him out of the bar and everyone who didn't see what happened was stunned.

Circles' came in with his ripped shirt and one of our regulars Mike gave him the shirt off of his back literally! So that night ended and we got to go home and sleep. This brings me back to this past Sunday.

The usual suspects are in the bar and all bobombed and having a grand old time. I was sitting with some of our regulars who had just come over from the game and all of the sudden one guy starts yelling and causing problems! Again our regulars who were there the previous Sunday just walked in and saw this and all of them helped get him out, he was a lot easier then the guy from last week! Mike also brought an extra shirt in case this were to happen again! Shimmy showed off her killer dance moves by bending over and shaking her tush! I must say if they didn't come in on Sunday's I don't think the entertainment would be nearly half as good.

Elf came in with her boyfriend and he had on a killer suit with a Bears sweater vest. His dance moves were pretty phenomenal too. At one point I had a dance sandwich going on with her and Dance Magic!!

As I was leaving Circles was asking me what time it was and I informed him it was 10:30 (he had been one of my football guys cheering on the Bears during the day) and he looked miserable. I luckily had the option of going home which I took happily. I noticed however that Shimmy's friends were both passing out on the bar! Luckily I know these girls are troopers and powered through to make it to the end of the night.

I must stress again that it is not worth it to fight in a bar. I do not approve or agree with anyone's motives. We have all been there however we all need to start stepping away. Things can get out of control and shirts can be ripped and cops called. It is not amusing and only makes the person look like an asshole!!

Not a Pub Crawl Fan

Ahh pub crawls. You know you have been on them at least once, you go out with your friends, get bombed and the last bar you get to you act like an asshole. Imagine having 3 of those in one day. Now I understand you have been out all day drinking and sometimes dressed like a moron but is it necessary to not tip at all?!

This will lead me into my day on Saturday. So it started out ok, we ended up not putting my dog down much to my relief and I was in a good mood. I got to work and was geared up for a long double and a Marquette game. The Marquette crowd came in and they were fun and polite as always, then came the first pub crawl. The timing we had was different so they got there about an hour and a half early, no trouble really, we were their second bar so everyone was still polite and sober. Then came the next pub crawl. They apparently did a joint bachelor/bachelorette party crawl and scavenger hunt. We were their last stop, needless to say they were all bombed. Now here is the kicker, they got a free happy hour and could extend it for $10 more for another hour. They also were suppose to have some tables reserved in the back but they came at a bad time and well sorry not kicking people out for your free party!!

So they were all pissed that they must stand heaven forbid. They drank for free for an hour and tipped us maybe a combined total of $6 and that is pushing it. I wish I could say I was kidding but sadly I am not. Most of them were very nice and all it just sucks when you work for free! So they made us shut down the music so they could give their toasts, and there were I think a grand total of 7 and they all basically sucked. The funniest came from Old School, where they talked about the gang bang! So the party ended quickly and everyone was mad they didn't drink for free anymore, however they stayed through out the whole night. Some of them left and some of them started new tabs with me.

One guy in particular caught my eye. We actually he caught a bunch of our eyes because he had on a Michael Bolton shirt and ear muffs. One of my coworkers friends went up and tried to get the shirt from him and he instantly said."I am not retarded." Just in case we thought he was due to the ear muffs and Bolton shirt. We then played Lovers and Friends for him which he knew every word to. He basically made my night with that saying. His girlfriend was a good sport to as we egged on his asinine behavior.

After my double shifts I went to the back bar to bartend and unfortunately we were at capacity so it was not entirely busy for me. I had a bunch of poeple open tabs and most were generous but some were outraged that a drink could cost $8.50, now listen here bub that is reasonable for the amount of alcohol I am giving you, head downtown and you will be lucky to find that price anywhere else. Needless to say these people did not tip. I don't know what was going on that night but tipping was not an option. I am lucky that I had a few awesome tables otherwise I would have been a crabby patty for sure! I ended up having a group sit around the back bar and joke around. They knew some of my other coworkers so we got along pretty well. I was super excited when the night was finally over however.

Besides Michael Bolton coming on not too many great stories emerged. I am basically using this blog forum to bitch about the number of cheap ass people we had out. I have said it before and I will say it again, if you don't know how to tip or you don't have money to tip please do not come out. It only hurts your credibility and our income. I would prefer to not have to wear the look of pure disappointment because you do not know how to take care of your server properly. Yeesh. Anyway my next blog should be better, if I choose not to write until after Dragonmaster's birthday that will be a good one. However I am considering writing out my memoirs on fish and why they scare me!! Bet you are waiting in suspense huh.......

Happy Amateur Hour!

Some people get married on New Year's Eve. Some people pay for overpriced hotel parties where the drinks are slow and short poured. Some people have house parties and black out. Me, I worked. I said after last New Year's I would not do it this one so I can go have some fun (and by fun I mean sit in my house and drink a bottle of champagne with the boy and friends.) Alas though I could not resist the urge to make some extra money.

I decided to bare the night and work. I prepared myself for this by saying at least I am with some great people and will hopefully come out on top of the money heap. So with the night upon us I got my spray tan, got me dress, packed my overnight bag and headed to the city. The thing about New Year's Eve is that all the people who don't go out tend to come out on this day and black Wednesday. Normally they do not tip and do not know how to drink. They feel they need to double fist and get the most out of their package as they can. While most parties will charge you $100+ we only cost 60-70 depending on when you bought your tickets. Our party sold out pretty quick which left us feeling confident.

Anyway I arrived to see all of our furniture being taken out of the bar and the other girls putting up decorations. We could not find the helium take to our dismay so we had to blow up balloons using our lungs, which wouldn't have been a problem if the damn balloons blew up the right way! People started to arrive early and hung out until the party actually began at 9. The weather was uncharacteristically gorgeous for this normally freezing December night. The guys looked their best and the girls looked stunning (I mean hello what else do you ever expect from us?!)

The party began and Dragonmaster and myself decided we would switch off through out the night tending the back bar. Our plans were swiftly broken when all of our young 20 somethings decided to go as hard and fast as possible with their boozing. The space behind the back bar is made for one so luckily we were able to maneuver around each other and get the drinks out fast. I am pretty sure from about 10-1 I did not think about anything but slinging drinks. At midnight I was hoping for a brief reprieve so I could do a champagne toast with my fellow coworkers, no such luck, these kids were ruthless!

So the night went on and we continued to get our asses kicked a bit and in between took a couple shots when we were able to. I noticed Dragonmaster getting a bit tipsy and then she somehow was able to get drunk, I don't know how the girl does it. I was envious because she was more able to deal with the drunks then I was at this point. The fire marshal ended up coming and shutting us down, not because of being over cap but because a girl we had cut off ended up passing out in front of the cops. They didn't seem to thrilled about having to do paperwork either! Apparently this girls hoo ha was hanging out and I am pretty sure her friends were feeding her more drinks, this is all speculation however so who knows.

At the end a kid comes up and starts asking for more drinks, clearly the lights are on and the cops are kicking people out. He says he wants to speak to the owner and that he didn't get his drinks worth. Alright dbag you drank for 4 hours at least and I am positive you drank more than your $70 worth. He kept saying I want to speak to someone about it and i told him to go up front. The cop stepped in and told him to get out. Muffy jumped in as well as the bouncers were starting to try to get him out and told him this isn't Schaumburg, we operate a bit differently. You see these kids from the suburbs who come out for one night in the city don't understand that when the cops say you close, we close. He was starting all sorts of commotion and complaining about paying all this money and blah blah blah. Well listen here bucko we don't give a rat's ass about it because I am sure you were one of the ones pounding down drinks, you probably went to a house party later and continued to drink and make stupid remarks about how we suck. Luckily for us I doubt you would have ever come back except for another New Year's so no big loss there. Again must I state: AMATEURS.

We cleaned up and closed out and some people went to Tai's. While cleaning up my Double Trouble decided to rap about the night and it went on for a good half hour. She rapped about New Year's, Cowboy Casanova, Dragonmaster, work, you name it! She also did not go home with our fellow coworker KM. She saw a guy she went to high school with and well they left together. Me and Dragonmaster had to be back in the morning to bartend for our early open so we got a ride from Mr. Creeptastic and went to her place. We passed out fairly quickly after, she slept on the other couch opposite me in her coat, dress, and purse. Around 4 something am I awoke to her screaming, now I thought someone was in the apartment the way she was talking. She mumbled loudly at first and then the next words out of her mouth were," You want mayo? You don't want mayo, what's the mayo. You think this is funny just wait til 3:45 am to see who is laughing then, yea you mayo." I wish I had it recorded because it was all about mayonnaise!

We awoke the next morning and both just wanted to keep sleeping. 7:30am comes pretty quick when you just worked your ass off the night before! So we went to work and I asked her about the mayo incident. She had no clue but laughed it off. If I didn't know her and was randomly sleeping on her couch and she started screaming about mayo I would know for sure that she was in the service industry just by that, but why would I be randomly sleeping on her couch? Ok side note from me sorry!

So we get to work and set up and she gets a Woodchuck to even herself out and we were wondering where Double Trouble was as she was suppose to work as well. All the girls that worked NYE except for Sequins (she had on a hot little sequin dress) were working that morning. KM said DT did not stay at her place so we assumed she went home with the random guy. She called and said she couldn't find a cab to get there. We were all sitting around the front room when she walked in, wearing the same clothes from the night before, looking a mess. We all busted out laughing because I mean only at our place of business could you get away with that! She quickly changed and we all battled through the day. It was crazy busy and again I did not think except for placing drink orders.

The shift ended and I finally went home. The weekend went quick but I had so much fun with my fellow coworkers I was happy I worked. We got to witness the hook ups, black outs, and general crazy partying that is our job. So here is to 2011, may it bring us some more great stories that I can write about!! Happy New Year!