Christmas PJs and Line Dancing

In the industry world your weekends consist of working and not getting go out with everyone else all the time. Our weekend starts on Sunday and generally ends on Tues or Wed depending on your work schedule. This last weekend was no exception. The staff at the bar decided to make Sunday into Xmas pj Sunday funday. A bunch of us showed up in our Xmas pjs and got to catch up and let loose after a crazy weekend. We also did our secret Santa gift exchange, however after awhile it was no longer a secret!

I was unable to drink due to having to drive so I observed everyone and got some pretty great stories out of this Sunday. I arrived a little before most people and sat down with some of my favorite Idiots. We caught up on the weekend and watched as more and more workers flooded in. 2 former coworkers, Sami Sweetheart and Dippin Cheese even made it out! I miss those girls so we sat around catching up while more Idiots arrived and brought a board game with them. There was a group of 15 and it started getting rowdy. DJ Snoop and I decided it was time for some Keith Sweat. As we listened to his magical lyrics we noticed the look of glassiness in everyone's eyes which either meant they were about to make out or were getting drunk.

As far as Sunday's go we usually played country music. The country came on and everyone started getting up and line dancing. I have some great video footage of this but am unable to upload it due to signing papers saying I would not post pictures or videos. One of the Idiots was a bit more intoxicated then the rest and started hitting on Dippin Cheese (who might I add is engaged) and could not seem to leave her alone. We finally devised a plan to pants him in the middle of the bar. Well apparently that happens alot because it did not phase him. He went on about his business harassing everyone, I say harassing in the nicest of ways to. Their board game ended and people started playing credit card roulette.

The way to play if you have never heard is everyone throws in their credit card and someone picks it out of a hat, the last card picked buy everyone who threw in a shot. I have become a pro at being the grabber. It is amusing to see everyone get so into it and yell and "threaten" you if you pick their card. Well everyone also has their ways of cheating during this game, one person has a crack in one side, another had a part bent, etc, we all know whose is who's now so it gets even better when you purposely pick someone!

So shots were flying and more country line dancing was happening and our drunk Idiot was throwing people over his shoulder and wanting to pick everyone up. At this point I thought it best to leave, things were getting out of hand. There were circle dances, shoulder shakes, and rumplemintz games going on.

Oh before I sign off on this I learned this new game. So the Idiots (of course) see who holds the rumple shot in their mouth the longest. They count to 10 and have to gargle to prove it is still in their mouth. Well it came down to Brad and Dan and they were not budging so they played a form of rock, paper, scissors, called hunter, bear, woman. Basically you turn your back to each other and act out one of the 3 you choose. Hunter kills bear, bear kills woman, and woman distracts hunter. I think they did best 2 out of 3 but I did not find out what this game was until a couple days later. It was actually super entertaining to watch them act out their parts.

Slowly everyone kept tapering off, but I hear that Shoulder Shaker, Dippin Cheese, and Sami Sweetheart were in for the long haul! I wish I could post the pics and videos on here but imagine your typical Saturday night being played out on a Sunday night in Xmas pajamas. Yup that's how we roll!!!

Christmas Poem

Since it is the eve of Mustachmas I thought I would bless you all with my rendition of Twas the Night Before Christmas, but in bar style. I hope you enjoy and I am not sure why it copied like this and why there are so many spaces. For those of you who have no idea who these people are I apologize but use your imagination because it is pretty funny! And do not forget to come party with us for Mustachmas and to TIP YOUR SERVERS AND BARTENDERS!!! Tis the season :)

"Twas the Night of Mustachmas"

Twas the day of Mustachmas and all through the bar

The waitresses were serving and the bartenders were stirring

The mustaches were placed on the face with much care

In hopes that the tips would come with great ease and the douchebags

Would go to Crossing if you please.

The patrons arrived, the Idiots of course, dressed in merry making

With visions of $5 mugs and tater tots dancing in their heads

And Mikey in his tight blue shirt and Ruffin in his cap,

Had just settled in for a long night of taking crap.

When out on the floor there arose such a clatter

Meister had just jumped on the bar to see what was the matter

Away to the front the bouncers flew like a flash

They tore through the assholes and found Jackie’s phone a smash.

The light through the window had to show Steph’s dougieing was out of control.

Brendan just sat there unsure of where to go and Kiley took a shot to ease the tension, Lindsay Bonick just wanted to stay out of the attention.

Out of nowhere I saw Caitlin Bonick appear, she had a bottle of Jamo and somehow found a reindeer?

With all the commotion we never saw it coming,

Cheeto and Swifty dressed up as St Nick, hiding in the corner scamming on chicks,

More rapid then eagles our veterans came, Effi, Muffin, and Mama who quickly declared Schoolyard is no longer lame.

Mikey whistled and shouted to the bouncers by name!

Now Jeff, now Dan, now Tbone and Matt!

Come on Lumpy, Eric, Kevin and Nels!

To the front of the bar where Colin is doing circles,

Now push him away to the back of the bar now

Scatter away, scatter away all.

As emptied drinks became quite a nuisance,

Vince put on some Keith Sweat to help with the looseness.

Our newbies showed up, Jack, Meghan, and Emily that is,

They were not ready to see the hot mess that would fizz.

Carey and Katie were dancing on bars, Jojo was slinging the drinks in time out

And Ashely stopped in to feel things out, no one had heard the last call shout.

And then in the twinkling I heard through the bar,

Luis yell last call and everyone head to your car!

As I drew in my head and was turning around.

I saw a drunk St Nick fall to the ground.

He was dressed all in fur from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with vomit and mook.

A bunch of his friends were laughing and pointing,

Cameras were flashing and people were staring, we then realized

It was just Poorman’s usual story.

Kiley was put to the task of taking him home

As Brad, Scott, and Joel left and Tracy just roamed.

Meister was blacked out and trying to Houdini,

Her phone and her keys were nowhere to be seen,

The kitchen guys watched with a gleam in their eye,

The stump of a pipe held tight in their teeth,

And the smoke it encircled their head like a wreath.

They laughed at the nonsense that was starting to brew and

Got out quick before shit hit the roof.

Ramon was dressed as our cute little elf

And I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself.

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

He crept out of the bar and a sound he didn’t make,

But gave us one last nod and a head shake.

We spoke not a word as the bar we did clean

And watched the hook ups that were about to commence

Laughing at the poor saps who had just spent all their rent.

For although we contribute to the debauchery at hand,

It is not our fault you wake up with a slut and a one night stand.

As the bar was locked up we sprang to our cars,

To Tais Til 4 we go to unwind a little,

And away we all flew like the down of a thistle.

As we all drove away Southport could hear us exclaim,

‘ere we drove out of sight’

“Happy Mustachmas to all, and to all a good night!”

Remember When....

I have not really been in the bar much in order to be able to tell some great stories so I guess I will revert back to college. If you have ever been in a sorority, fraternity, or dated a member of either of these 2 you have inevitable gone to a formal or semi formal. For those of you who are unaware of what that is let me fill you in. It is like prom for adults. We dress up in those expensive dresses we bought back in high school (if the freshmen 15+ hasn't hit us yet), we get our hair done, fake nails, make up, the works. The guys basically put on shirts and ties and go booze while us ladies spend an entire day getting ready. Anyway point is you dress up and then go pregame at someone's house and head to the formal. For sorority members you must all travel by bus and if you show up without the bus you are not let in. For guys it is different (isn't it always?) and they can go out of state or wherever the hell they want.

So my first sorority formal was my sophomore year. My roommate and I were dating guys in the same fraternity and so we got ready and headed to the pregame together. Now she and I are both blonde, we were both tan, and we both had on big fluffy blue dresses. We both were ready to party that night. So we headed through the local liquor store drive thru, it's Carbondale people, and while there the lady selling us booze asked if we were on our way to prom. My first question is why are you selling us booze if we are in high school, and my second was are you out of your mind? Anyway we arrive off of poplar or college street, its a haze, and drink our awesome champagne. We mingle with the other ladies and head back to the house to get on the bus. On the way there you sit with your dates and the anticipation is revving up and you are excited to be going to your first formal (well for me anyway.) My boyfriend at the time was a drinker and we had only been together for a couple months. Our usual weekend consisted of going out getting wasted, going back to his place, stomping out cockroaches, or picking up broken glass because somebody knocked a window out, and fighting. What can I say it was love (not really.)

So we get on the bus head to the formal and arrive indoors. We are at a super fancy golf resort, you step in this hallway and look up and there are a million stairs leading to the top to where the actual dance and dinner is. It is all elegant and very well put together. So we make our way up and quickly realize they are not carding anyone! My roommate and I hit the bar and continue to stay there for a majority of the night. Our dates are elsewhere and who cares we have booze. At every formal there are awards given to people who truly stand out. While my roommate is at the bar her award is getting called out. I am pretty sure it was most likely to black out tonight, which was perfect, she didn't know what she got an award for but walked up double fisting her drinks and walked away. I had to explain that she just got a drunk girl award.

The night progresses on and we start to realize that our dates are missing on purpose because we are a sight to be seen. We were dancing with each other on the floor and apparently not very classy ladies. It was so long ago that parts are missing from here but I remember we walked to the top of the stairs to head to the bus to leave and she fell first and dragged me with her. People later explained it as 2 blondes with tulle baby blue dresses tumbling down the stairs together, so basically we fell down this enormous flight of stairs probably with some somersaults thrown in there!

We make it down and head to the bus, oblivious to what has happened. we are searching for our dates and realize they got on the opposite bus from us because they literally did not want to be seen with us. Well we are pretty close to blacked out and Mandy decides to go find Todd. She leaves me sitting alone and I think my date actually found me later. We sit there in silence because what do you say when you see your girlfriend fall down a bunch of stairs with her roommate and laugh about it? Instead we head to the bar. I have now lost my roommate and am unaware of what she is doing back at the house.

I am sorry my dear but I am about to tell your secret that I have been holding on to for years. Apparently my roommate was put to bed in our sleeping dorm. Our sleeping dorm is a bunch of bunk beds all made up to look pretty and no one ever really slept in them. Well Mandy got scared and thought she heard people breaking in to the room so she took off her clothes and crawled under the bed army style to wait for them to come in. She crawled underneath rows of beds and waited, and apparently threw up in the process. i believe she said she ran to our room to escape the intruders.

We are sitting in our weekly meeting and someone brings up how one of the other girls had to clean up vomit and they wanted to know who did it. We still had no idea at this point until I received a note from across the room that was passed in secret. The note said You are the devil and underneath it, I was the one who threw up. I knew it was Mandy because she continuously called me the devil during meetings and I had to do everything I could not to laugh. No one but a handful of us has known about this for years but I just couldn't keep it in anymore. I don't know if I am putting this picture into a great perspective because I can see it in my head and I am laughing while typing. Ahhh there will be more of these to come, I am starting to think I need to write about the summer of CK2......

No Work Equals Lots of Play

The day after Thanksgiving would normally be a busy one for the bars, if you work in the burbs. We forget that everyone who lives in the city is not from the city, with the rare exception. Anyway I went in that Friday expecting to work and be there all weekend busting ass because shit it's the weekend and who doesn't want to party on their holiday break?! I got all dolled up and had my parentals drop me off at work (still no license yet) and went in and waited, and waited, and waited. I finally received one table, a couple who ordered salad and water. Big money yea buddy! So finally it was apparent that I would not be working that night. I swiftly got cut and sat my ass at the bar and ordered a fabulous captain and diet.

Now I did not post about the weekend before but I had sworn off the alcohol for awhile because I got pretty nice and hammered the previous Saturday. Oh well it was a week later so I quickly forgot about that escapade. Back to the current Friday night. I call up my bff Katie and tell her to get her ass to the bar and party with me. She shows up (love when you can count on friends!) and we start to slowly booze. We decide to take some shots because why wouldn't you? Now back in October we went white water rafting and built a fire, well she built a fire and I build shots, so I remembered that car bombs were not her thing. We took some goldshlagger and started to get buzzed. Asian Situation arrived and that's when shit hit the rood. Shots were flowing, drinks were downed, commotion was everywhere!

The bar that is .9 miles down the road from us people left and we went back to our corner. Katie kept getting hit on left and right and I just kept wandering, well I know Katie's get the fuck outta my way face and I saw it numerous times and had to ask people to get their friends to step away. Again it was just us 2. There were a group of girls in the bar and one of them was painted up like a damn whore and I didn't say anything at all, Little Chuy said something and I agreed. Apparently they went up to DJ Snoop and said that Katie and I were picking on them. Uh hello dumbass I am drunk and probably trying to scope out the crowd. The one thing people have to realize is I don't care about you enough to stare at you.

So these girls apparently were talking shit and what not and DJ Snoop told them there was no way I was saying anything because he still thinks I am a nice girl! So somehow more drinks and shots were taken and the end of the night rolls around. I have my sleepover bag with me since I am stuck in the city all weekend and we decide to go to the after hours bar. DJ Snoop agrees to drive me and Katie to her house to drop my stuff off then to the bar. 2 of the girls who were in that group were with us. I talked to them and cleared everything up. I said I don't care about anyone but me and my friends so it's all good. They ended up being nice and I think made out with my coworkers?

So we head to Tai's and I did not take a sip of alcohol because I was blasted. I really didn't want to be there anymore and I don't think Katie did either so we ended up houdining out and getting a cab to her place. I roll out of the cab on one side and she exits the other, my back is turned to get us in the door and I hear a thud. I turn around and see Katie in front of the can knocked down, it literally hit her. My first instinct was rush up and make sure she is ok, she is fine. I then try not to laugh because (as she is kicking her legs about) she is saying I am going to sue you and my knees are broken. Now I love my little blonde doll because she was so fired up and then I finally got her to stand up and go inside. After trying to dial 911 a couple times (we didn't succeed) we ordered pizza. It arrived and we watched Married With Children and it made the whole night that much better. We promptly passed out and slept til 11 or noon the next day.

Saturday begins and we literally watch spring break '05 videos and reminisc about the good times we had. Things were so much easier back then! I wish I could post the videos up here but alas there is too much incriminating jargon on there for me to post anything, it will forever remain in a secret location. So we laid around and I waited to go into work that night, surprise poeple are still in the burbs and not back so I end up not working. We had a calm night in watching fucking Mario Lopez on every channel. I don't know when Mario Lopez decided to bring back his hispanic accent but somehow it came out of nowhere. It was off to bed early for hot yoga in the morning!

I tell ya what hot yoga is great after a weekend of drinking because it will surely get all the crap out of your system. The teacher may be able to smell what you drank but you feel so much more alive. All i all I was not expecting to stay with Katie or get bombed or watch her get hit by a cab, but I assure you that this will be a memory I never forget and we got some sweet bonding time in!

All She Wants...

Ok so nothing great has been happening in the bar world really. Well unless you count Sweat Pants Boner Sunday which basically was a couple of us hanging out and Cowboy Casanova broke the finger off of one of those hulk hands and well it looked like a large male member. Dragonmaster had sweat pants on so she put it in her pants and it looked disturbingly real! Shoulder Shake (until I come up with a better name) dipped it in ranch and was putting it on people's face, yes gross but so funny at the same time. So anyway I decided to break down another song and put my own twist on it. Here it is in all it's glory, so confusing but it's my mind so it makes sense.

All she wants to do is dance, and all I want to do is figure out what is going on in this song. We have all heard it, we have all sang to it, we have all dance to it. Have we all actually listened to the lyrics though? Really they make no sense. I guess if you just pair a catchy tune with some lyrics no one will notice. I am on to you Don Henley and you sir are about to be exposed. This whole song is a bit weird and I will do my best to figure out what the fuck drugs were taken, ingested, smoked, shot up at the time this song was made.

Mandy I hope I make you proud with this interpretation and if I don’t well it’s my writing anyway so deal.

All She Wants to do is Dance

They're picking up the prisoners
All putting them in a pen
And all she wants to do is dance,dance

Apparently the song needs to start off by creating a visual scene for us. I like to picture palm trees and white sand beaches and tan people walking around. This particular writer decided to make us visualize someone, I am assuming cops, picking up prisoners and putting them in jail. Or maybe it is slave traders who are picking up these poor escaped prisoners and are going to sell them on the black market, ha prisoners you thought you had it bad before with the butt raping! So this is the beginning of the bizarre song and the third line has absolutely nothing to do with prisoners or pens, because all she wants to do is dance. Maybe they are saying she doesn’t care what is going on around her because the drugs she is on are so freaking awesome that she just wants to dance, I smellllll ecstasy!!

Rebels have been rebels since I don't know when
And all she wants to do is dance

This above line doesn’t make sense, surprised, not really. Rebels have always been rebels since Jesse James and the king of England and good god this makes no sense. Apparently though since rebels have always been rebels and there is no relevance within this song this girl just wants to dance. Maybe being a rebel means you just want to dance and have no cares and it is all she wants to do to make her feel better by dancing.

Molotov cocktail,the local drink
And all she wants to do is dance

I guess Molotov cocktail is the local drink in the pen or wherever they are and she wants to dance. The only thing that I can think is that this cocktail equals roofies and she wants to drink it and dance her ass off and probably get laid. The local drink consists of everclear, robitussin, GHB, probably some lemonade and maybe grenadine. That is what I am picturing in my head anyway. I think that drink would make me want to dance dance as well.

They mix them up right in the kitchen sink
And all she wants to do is dance

They mix the roofiecoloda up in the kitchen sink. That is all this is saying right here. It is like a meth lab you do it in your house so no one can see it and well it makes sense that you can get women to dance and go crazy. Why not create a drink out of a kitchen sink and serve it for $5 a pop, it’s like being at a frat party and selling cups of shitty beer and jello shots mixed with acid, why not?

Crazy people walking around with blood in their eyes
And all she wants to do is dance,dance,dance

Why the fuck does someone have blood in their eyes?! Is the blood because they are zombies and crazy or because they have also taken the drugs that Don Henley is on? Apparently the girl who wants to dance doesn’t notice the blood in people’s eyes and instead wants to do the robot. I think that if I saw blood in people’s eyes I would not want to go dance on the booth I would probably want to run as far away from the zombie people as I possibly can.

Wild-eyed pistol wavers who ain't afraid to die
And all she wants to do is
All she wants to do is dance,dance
And make romance

I think the pistol wavers are actually gang bangers and that line actually makes sense at this point. This may be the only line that makes sense in the whole song to me. Then it goes back to talking about her dancing and dancing and maybe she is dancing in the face of gun control? Maybe this is all a metaphor for sticking it to the man. Maybe I have been reading this the wrong way and am unsure of how to proceed forth with the rest of the song. A dilemma has come a foot. Oh and now she wants to make romance. She wants to make romance to the bloody zombies or the gang members. Maybe both, maybe she is all about the gang bang in this case. Get it where ya can girl.

She can't feel the heat comming off the street
She wants to party
She wants to get down
All she wants to do
All she wants to is dance

She apparently wants to make romance in the last verse but she can’t feel the heat coming off the street. Unless it is super hot out I don’t think anyone can feel the heat coming off the street. Maybe this is more on gun control, she can’t feel the “heat” (guns) being taken off the street like the legislature promised. Maybe she is to scared to do anything or go outside her door at night. Apparently that is not the case if you read on, she wants to party and get down, and she wants to have fun and be free and not worry about gun control and littering. She wants to be able to go out in the street with her boom box and tutu and get crazy, she just wants to dance.


Well the goverment,bugged the men's room
In the local disco lounge
All she wants to do is dance,dance

The government is now filled with a bunch of pervs listening to what guys pissing are talking about. Awesome. The local disco may be a cover for a string of thugs and they want to stop the guns from being sold illegally so they tried to bug the men’s room because who in their right mind would do deals in a bathroom stall, am I right? The government must have seen those made for tv movies where kids sell drugs, or oregano depending on your stupidity, to the youngsters, I digress they have bested the dancer. I am beginning to think this dancer girl is a secret agent sent to spy on everyone and take them down. I am not sure why she needs to do it through the art of dance however, why can’t she take a page from Boondock Saints and just saddle up and take them out. The 80s were not nice to their gun slinging agents.

To keep the boys from selling

All the weapons they can scrounge
All she wants to do is dance

Ok reading more into the song basically if you take out the “all she wants to do is dance” part the song makes more sense. The government is involved in a crazy scheme to keep the boys from selling weapons, probably to the Iraqis, and giving them a force to be concerned about. This is why they tapped the bathroom and this is why they are being super creepy in the local disco, which by the way who the hell says disco anymore? I guess though this crazy lady still just wants to dance her pants off.

But that don't keep the boys
From making a buck or two
And all she wants to do is dance,dance

The “boys” are not caring about any consequences and will continue to do illegal things in order to make some money. I am guessing they are all poor and don’t care who gets hurt as long as they can feed their 5 children and 3 different baby mamas at home. Zing! And this broad wants to dance………still.

They still can sell the army
All the drugs that they can do
And all she wants to do is
All she wants to do is dance
And make romance

At this point I am getting really annoyed by this dancer because I have a lot of other stuff I can write about but I can’t forge to include her in the song because she still wants to dance and bang a bunch of dudes. The boys are now drug dealers for the army which is awesome, because doing drugs and playing with heavy artillery is exactly what I would hope they would do overseas. Maybe they are selling to the foreign army so that they are inept when trying to fight the good ole US of A. I really hope they put this girl in the front line and have her tap dance around the enemy and they shoot her quick.


Well,we barley made the airport
For the last plane out
As we taxied down the runway
I could hear the people shout they said:
"Don't come back here again.Yankee"
But if I do I'll bring back more money
Cause all she wants to do is dance
And make romance

I couldn’t even split this verse up because it makes absolutely no sense. Don Henley barely made it to the airport to escape from the people he is running from this whole time. I picture a bunch of thugs running after him with guns that he sold them and shouting about him not coming back to the south. I assume they are in the south because those are the only idiots who still use the term Yankee in a derogatory sentence. This idiot Yankee though said that he will come back with more money, for drugs, guns, who knows, and probably bring this girl because you guessed it all she wants to do it dance. I think she was the pawn; she was taking the focus off him and his dealings by her obnoxious dancing. Can you imagine an 80s girl complaining the whole time that she just wants to dance and make romance, yea I wouldn’t notice the secret drug deals or government bugging either!

Nevermind the heat
Comming off the street
She wants to party
She wants to get down
All she wants to do is
All she wants to do is dance
And make romance
All she wants to do is dance

So this asshole escapes with his life and his lady love and he is worried still about her dancing. He has no idea what he has gotten himself into because he wants to make money and sell illegal objects and his idiot girlfriend only cares about the beat. She doesn’t care that people are firing at her plane and trying to kill her and her lousy boyfriend, she is probably jazz handsing it out in the middle of the plane. Oh to be young, stupid and naïve again.

Basically I have a couple theories on this song. This man was a secret government agent turned bad. He met up with the wrong crew who showed him how to be a thug and make more money while maintaining his status with the government. He was able to bring them illegal weapons and tried to sell them. He also bugged the men’s room so that government could see the bad guys and arrest them, but not before the secret agent got his share of the money. On the flip side he brought along his deranged girlfriend who only wants to party and dance and has no clue that her boyfriend works for a top secret agency. For some reason she was included in the song because it sounded good with the beat. That is the only logical explanation I can come up with for this song. I am baffled and unsure of the underlying meaning, I do plan to continue to read more and find out what the hell this was all really about.

Stupid Customer

Ok Dippin Cheese has sent this on to me and I have to pass it on to everyone here. You may have to click on the link, but we have all been in this position. Unless you are industry you don't understand that this is a real issue. We all have those douche bag people in our areas at times. When we smile and nod at you if you act like this we are actually plotting your demise in our heads...enjoy and thanks to my friend who probably just made my day that much brighter with this!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2rYDc0flRg&feature=player_embedded#

Baby It's...Rapey Outside?

Memoir of a disturbing holiday song:

With the holidays upon us I have been gearing up with Christmas cheer by listening to one of my all time favorite winter songs. As I am singing along to this tune I am reminded of the variety show that my sorority and friendly neighbor fraternity put on my freshman year. We teamed up and used Christmas as our theme with elaborate costumes, script, dancing, and singing. One of the chosen songs was “Man With the Bag”, now that is just to easy to pick on, hello Santa the drug dealer, but this song I am about to dissect eluded me at the time.

I had no idea that rape was so big in 1944, but luckily if you were a blue eyed crooner anything goes. So it is with a heavy heart that I learned of this song’s hidden meaning and will divulge the information to the rest of the good people of the US. This is not to say that I will no longer listen and belt my lungs out to it, oh no this is just to open our eyes to what really went on in those poor, war filled days. (Was there a war then or am I making this up?)

Baby It’s Cold Outside

I really can't stay
(but baby it's cold outside)
I've got to go away
(but baby it's cold outside)

Alright it starts off simple enough, the woman begins singing about how she must be on her way, maybe to meet another paramour or to get home to the dogs, we are unsure. The “gentleman” in this song decides that he has to point out the obvious that it is cold outside and repeats it incessantly through out this entire song. Here begins the pleading that all women find so attractive in a man (insert sarcasm.)

This evening has been
(been hoping that you'd drop in)
So very nice
(i'll hold your hands, they're just like ice)

She is politely saying it’s been a pleasure stopping in but I need to get the fuck outta here dude. This guy is sending subliminal messages while she talks about hoping she would stop in because he wants to get some. He knew he could woo her as soon as she dropped in by telling her it is cold outside and that her hands are the proof. He is going to hold her hand in order to make sure she doesn’t step foot outside the door. I am sure heavy hand holding leads to heavy petting which leads to clothes on the floor in front of the fire place because body heat will keep you warm. At least that’s what I was told.

My mother will start worry
(beautiful whats your hurry)
My father will be pacing the floor
(listen to the fireplace roar)

Woman is now basically saying ok man you are getting pretty handsy there and my mom is going to put out an amber alert if you don’t let me go. Ahh and the man of course uses pretty words, because alas we all fall for being told we are pretty. Sigh, the curse of being a woman. She is still struggling with her conscience right now because it is 1944 after all and women did not stay the night with men they were not married to, had this song been written by now this man would have had to just her some shots and its all systems go.

Anyway she is trying to remember the modesty her dad has taught her and says he will be waiting up for her. I am not sure how old this girl is suppose to be but I think she is lying, I mean really your dad is going to be pacing waiting for you? On the flipside homeboy here is trying to tell her it is warm and inviting in front of the fireplace and they should go sit and be cozy and talk about how cold it is outside for a bit. Also if you sit in front of the fireplace it gets hotter meaning you take off more clothing in the mean time. Ahh tricky trick this one.

So really i'd better scurry
(beautiful please don't hurry)
but maybe just a half a drink more
(put some records on while i pour)

It’s about to get real weird here people, don’t say I didn’t warn you. Lady says still she needs to scurry along and make it home before her dad gets the village people (not the singing group) to come with their torches and find this young crooner. Again he uses the lines we all like to hear, please call me beautiful and I will do whatever you ask of me, unless it involves anal beads that is out of the question. And he is starting to wear her down.

She says she will have a half a drink, I don’t know bout everyone else but a half a drink is unlikely, what type of drink, a rum and coke, whiskey on the rocks, I mean what are we talking here? This fine upstanding gentleman says go put on some music while I pour you a drink. Instantly this is where it gets a bit strange. Go turn your back on me while I pour this drink and possibly slip a roofie in it because you won’t stay willingly. Now I would ask him at this point if he had a Keith Sweat record because that would only make things even more awkward for everyone. So she obligingly goes and finds some records and he pours her a drink, hmmmm.


the neighbors might faint
(baby it's bad out there)
say what's in this drink
(no cabs to be had out there)

After she decides to stay for another drink she starts to think about the neighbors, well sweetie if they’re going to talk, better give them something to talk about. I like to quote the always glamorous Marilyn here “well behaved women never made history.” So, again, our gentleman lover had decided to remind her that it is bad out in the snow and getting colder as the night wears on. All the sudden she starts to taste something funny in her drink or starts to feel the effects of the GHB that has been slipped into her drink. I know what it is like to be roofied and you don’t have a taste of anything you just kind of start to slip away into the world. Smooth one mister, let’s hope she isn’t totally unconscious for this act you have in mind. However he totally by passes her comment and continues on letting her know that it is so bad the cab drivers are no longer on the road, whoops looks like you are stuck here you little lady you.


i wish i knew how
(your eyes are like starlight now)
to break this spell
(i'll take your hat, your hair looks swell)

I am fairly convinced that at this point she has no idea what she is saying and how to get out of being stuck in this man’s house. He is telling her that her eyes look glassy (success on the drugs he purchased behind the ally that day.) She wants to come out of this hazy stage and know what is going on. Ah but this man is on top of his game, he will take your hat so you must stay because a lady does not leave the house without her hat on. As he does this a compliment will take her attention away from that fact that she no longer has control of her movements, yes this is all going according to plan.


i ought to say "no, no, no sir"
(mind if i move in closer)
at least i'm gonna say that i tried
(what's the sense in hurtin' my pride)
i really can't stay
(oh baby don't hold out)

She messes up here and says I ought to say no, you should have said no bitch then it would have held up in a court of law, oh the stupidity of the women before us. Now he is asking permission if he can get closer to her, yea after you roofied her you think you need permission? She is going to say that she tried to say no and dissuade him from his original plan, maybe she is just kind of slutty and is asking for it? He is using the typical guy line, why would you want to hurt me baby, I just want to love you. We have all seen it in the movies, I doubt that was common back then so she is going to let it happen because back then men were the ones who controlled the situation and life. However she will try one last plea to get out of this house and into the cold and escape from his clutches. He is asking that she not leave him “hanging” as we all know the myth that is associated with this sentence. Fail.

both:baby it's cold out side

Stating the obvious yet again.

i simply must go
(but baby it's cold outside)
the answer is no
(but baby it's cold outside)

She is still trying to get out of this and yet her eyes are starting to droop and she is not sure why she is so tired and why everything sounds twisted and muffled in her brain. All he is saying is it’s cold outside, come on dude use some new lines. Here she says no, you go girl!!

your welcome has been
(how lucky that you dropped in)
so nice and warm
(look out the window at that storm)

Thank you sir for taking me in and you have kept me warm but it is time to move on and below is a list of reasons why I must be going forth with my journey home. Guy: I am going to pretend you are not talking and just keep reminding you how shitty it is outside and that I am happy you are here now. Oh shit did this just turn into Silence of the Lambs?!

my sister will be suspicious
(gosh your lips look delicious)
my brother will be there at the door
(waves upon the tropical shore)

Her sister will now be waiting with her dad and apparently her brother. They will want to know where she has been and why she is returning at the crack of 10pm and if her chastity has been taken from her. Again guy doesn’t care just says he wants to eat her lips apparently. Yup shits getting weirder, damn roofies. I am not sure why he is talking about waves on a tropical shore but he has my attention now, I am in, unless he plans on bringing me to an island where I am alone and chopped into bits, wow these people had crazy minds back then to!

my maiden aunts mind is vicious
(gosh your lips are delicious)
but maybe just a cigarette more
(never such a blizzard before)

Her aunt who is a maiden still because she is either ugly, fat, or poor is sitting there putting thoughts into her families heads about what their dear daughter is doing. I would flip her the bird when I got home and just say yea at least I am pretty. Apparently he has now tasted her lips and is wooing her into staying longer because he wants more to taste.

Now I have recently quit smoking so it upsets me that this is the song because I am about to rip someone’s head off in order to get one. So she is now saying a cigarette more. You can lace those puppies up to when you are not looking and make them into something more dangerous then a roofie. However this guy doesn’t seem clever enough to think of something like that so I will let him slide on this particular offense. It has now started to blizzard outside, or he has someone standing outside with a snow blower hitting the windows to make it look worse then it is so he can get a piece of ass.

i've gotta get home
(but baby you'd freeze out there)
say lend me a coat
(it's up to your knees out there)

She is doing her best to go home again and she may actually have a way out. He tries saying frostbite is a serious problem, but if you have been in a snow storm before you know that when it is snowing it actually isn’t that cold out at the time so ha gotcha sucka. She says give me your coat (oh man her maiden aunt is going to be pissed at that one!) He chimes back with it’s up to your knees out there. He wishes she were on his knees now because his “pride” is hurting, good one bro. She seems to be making her escape finally, how she will get home we don’t know but she is on a mission!

you've really been grand
(i thrill when you touch my hand)
but don't you see?
(how can you do this thing to me?)

Ah young love just kidding she’s not leaving at all. She pays her compliments and he makes sure she knows that she gives him butterflies in his downstairs. She tries to tell him why she can’t stay again and why it would be bad for her reputation and he asks how she can just leave him like this. I must say persistence is key in this particular lover’s quarrel and it seems that he is wearing her down. I am sure she is kicking herself for having that last drink, damn him for giving me the courage to spread my legs, welp let’s hope it’s good for her sake!

there's bound to be talk tomorrow
(think of my lifelong sorrow)
at least there will be plenty implied
(if you got pneumonia and died)
i really can't stay
(get over that old out)

She is afraid of her reputation and what people would think, which is logical and she hopes that he starts to see it. What if they don’t get married, the she is scarred with the reputation of a hussy and will forever be the “slut” of the society crowd. What a cross to bear, what to do, who to turn to?! He is saying he will forever be saddened if they don’t get down and dirty tonight, really dude, that is your excuse? Now she is going along with it, that enough will be implied to make her a bad girl or for him to buy her a ring. I am sure she is ready to be married off and this could be the way to get him, yes sleep with him get pregnant and then he will be hers forever! Oh he was actually sad that if she went into the cold she would get pneumonia and die, well isn’t that sweet and this whole time we thought it was all about the sex. She says again she really can’t stay for her reputation and because it would turn out bad. I think she did the brush up against his junk and decided it wasn’t worth it. He is saying get over that expression and just stay; they have been arguing it for so long now, why not.

both: baby it's cold
baby it's cold outside

She breaks down and stays because well apparently it is cold outside.

So this was my interpretation of the song and how I feel this man preyed on this girl. I think this is one of the best songs ever, I am not sure why I love it so much, maybe cause Dean Martin is sexy and I would have been a girl that fell for his lines as well. Maybe I read this whole thing wrong and really he is a good guy who was worried about his gal. I didn’t live back then so I don’t know what was morally right and wrong, I just know that I have my opinions on how strict everyone was and let me tell you I would not have lasted in high society, unless I snagged a wealthy bachelor.

However this song is a classic and will be played on the radio plenty of times and every time you hear it you can think about the creepy rape scene that will be ingrained into your minds forever because now you know the truth about “Baby It’s Cold Outside.”

Keith Sweat Makes Things Weird

As another weekend passes us we sit around and think about what the last week brought and how we will better our tomorrows. As Sunday approaches for us industry people we breathe a sigh of relief that our "work week" is over. When I say work week I mean Friday and Saturday, yes hate on us we are use to it. Anywho I awoke this particular Sunday with a ginormous spider bite on my right shoulder, a pillow covering my face (I hate sunlight in the morning) and on a pretty comfy couch. You see I lost my license for 30 days and have to revert back to being 15 years old, awesome I know. I worked a dub on Saturday and stayed the night at Dragonmaster's house. Well Saturday was a ton of fun because it was the SIU vs. U of I basketball game. I had a ton of my SIU friends in and got them nice and hammered. After the game though everyone cleared out and it was up to us to make the most of our night. We started taking some shots and loosening up a bit. When I say we took a few shots that is not to say we didn't work at all. We still worked our asses off.

By the end of the night we were a little buzzed and instead of going to the after hours bar we went home. I am pretty sure this is our third attempt at going to Tais and well it just never happens that way. So I grab my stuff and we head out to catch a cab. Luckily Dalton is there to save the day. We jump in his car and I start thinking about all the shots that I mixed and my stomach starts to turn. I tell him I may vomit so get ready, but I really wanted nachos. Dragonmaster tells him where to go for nachos, well don't ask 2 drunk girls where to go because we told him her apartment. Dragonmaster says don't worry I have Special K for us, at this point I don't want to eat anymore. We literally stayed up talking for 2 hours and fell asleep mid convo. I covered her with a blanket on the floor (she was asleep in her work clothes and a coat) and put myself to bed.

Fast forward 4 hours later, yea that's right we both woke up only 4 short hours later. We again picked up from where we left off the night before and started laughing about the ridiculousness and why people think us being together is a good idea? So we wait a couple hours and head back to "home" to find the Bears game going strong. We walked in and our coworkers just shook their heads and asked how we were feeling. I am pretty sure everyone thought we were blacked out or super drunk, jokes on you guys, we were actually just tipsy!

So we have a DJ now for Saturdays and Sundays during the Bears game. I think I told you about him in my last blog, DJ Snoop. Well DJ Snoop had the pleasure of dealing with us being next to him this particular Sunday and somehow we got started on him playing creepy songs during the game. I suggested Keith Sweat's Nobody (pretty sure it is circa '97 or something, google it and you will remember junior high dances) anyway I told him to play it during the next commercial. Normally it is upbeat party songs that go on, but this one was priceless. He played it and everyone in the bar looked really weirded out. They weren't sure how to handle the sexual connotations of Keith Sweat and i think some got uncomfortable, which made it even better for us. We tried to find more creepy music but it didn't happen.

DJ Snoop tried to pretend this was normal while Dragonmaster and myself just sat there cracking up. Apparently the sexual songs are not highly favored, who knew? I have already begun looking for creepy songs to have played next week during game time and when we do our Thanksgiving with the bar family I am pretty sure Keith Sweat will be on a loop with all of us getting super creepy. Ah Sundays, you just cant beat them!

Here is the Keith Sweat song in case you are too lazy to google it yourself:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YlJN-sx8B8M

Farewell Dance Magic

It is with a heavy heart that I write this blog. We have lost one of our beloved bouncers to unfortunate circumstance. His laughter and joy were ever contagious and he would make the most of any situation. He would enter the bar and his jolly laugh would light up even the coldest hearts. His big bear hugs and lifts could mend your aching soul. His ability to intimidate the unitimidated was epic, and you always knew he was there to have your back. My life will be a little darker without him around. You never knew what to expect to come out of his mouth as his sense of humor was one of a kind. He will forever be missed and forever we will look to the right, or exactly .9 miles, to see his silhouette at another bar's front step. Who will yell out to guests," Welcome to (can't put bars name here because I signed a paper.)" He is preceded in leaving by many countless yellow shirts and has left his cousin, Dalton, behind to carry on the legacy. I know I will see him around and on various occasions, but it will not be the same as I will not have the assurance that I get to enjoy his spirit and life every weekend.

The first time I met Dance Magic he was working the door and I had just returned from living in Florida. I was pumped to see my friends and bar family whom I had missed dearly. I ascended the steps and bounced into the bar ready to be greeted with many hugs, only to be stopped by a man who's beard reminded me of Santa Clause. He asked for my ID and I looked at him like he was crazy and proceeded into the bar. I explained that I to was an employee and he said he didn't care and that he needed an ID. I gave it to him with a bit of hesitation because I was not sure if he was serious as Muffy had told him I was a member of the staff as well. He looked at it and handed it back to me. I soon forgot that there were any problems with the ID because I met up with my friends.

He came by to pick up glasses and check on everything and began singing and dancing to the music, I believe it was Lady Gaga at this point. I knew then that I loved him because of his spirit and outgoing personality. I had to figure this man out and I did, I figured out he is one of the most genuine people I know and that he was a true friend. I also found out he was Dalton's cousin and it made me love him more. We have a mutual love for all things musical and I requested he watch Glee, he did and loved it as well. We have a mutual love for movies, musicals, and anything entertainment.

I was fortunate to have met this gentleman and to be graced by his presence. I can't put into words how much he will be missed and can only hope to carry on his outgoing, entertaining, spirit with every shift I work. I know he is happy where he is and that his love will go on. He will always hold a piece of us in his heart and vice versa. A toast to you my friend, the dearly departed, may your dancing magic live on in us all.

*****Dance Magic has not actually left our world, he has just moved to one of our partnering bars .9 miles away, this was a joke that we decided upon last week so don't get sad!!****

Stripper Sundays

Well another week has passed and another week has been worked. I went in for a double on Sunday and expected the craziness of the Idiots and the Hillbillies and Hurricanes crowd to get rowdy per usual, what I didn't expect was what I actually saw.

Now if you have read my blogs before you realize that Sunday's are typically nuts with people having Sunday Funday, the drinks flow and dancing occurs, and people get craaazzzyy!! We had some of our normal regulars in and some that I haven't see in awhile. One of them was a group of girls who I hadn't seen in a couple weeks. They had a couple girls with them that I didn't recognize, but boy let me tell you that after this Sunday I will not forget one girl's particular face!

Let's set up a visual in your mind; my tables were all filled in the front. I had a couple tables with actual couples (one was trying to have a romantic date, which well don't know why they chose the bar but that's neither here nor there) I had the group of regular girls and I had my fellow coworker, Colts (for her love of the colts), in with some of her girlfriends. I also had Cowboy Casanova grace us with his presence along with his brother, cousin, and some other friends. We have recently brought in DJs to help us out on the weekends and one of the DJ's we will name him DJ Snoop. Anyway they were all sitting at the table facing the door and the bar. Dragonmaster was there as her usual partying self but left early because her "dad" called, she understands why this is in quotes and funny. Anyway night begins and people start getting rowdy.

All the sudden a song comes on (can't remember which one) and one of the girls at the regular table gets up and starts doing stripperesque moves. Well she is bounding up and down the floor and shaking and slamming shit around and I mean girls got some rhythm not gonna lie. I have no idea where this came from as I had not seen her drink at all at this point. Everyone is watching and unsure of what to do. I have my tables full of couples questioning if this is normal for a Sunday night and if this girl is indeed a stripper. I explain to them that I haven not seen this happen before but it is entertainment and well who knows what happens on a Sunday Funday. So the music ends and she takes a bow and everyone claps. I thought this was the end of it. Jokes on me.

One of the girls asked if I could play Lady Gaga's Bad Romance, I oblige and the "stripper" gets a chair and starts slamming it around and doing dirty things to it. I just have to laugh at this point, a guy jumps on the chair and she gives him a slight lap dance. There is another girl in the bar who comes in a lot and is for lack of a better term a hot mess. She wears the weirdest clothes and is apparently promiscuous in her ways from the stories I hear. She decided she wanted to be sexy and start stripper dancing, only problem is when youre that bombed it turns more into a falling over yourself. My fellow waitress, who we shall name Christmas Elf, started taping it on her Iphone and caught this girl falling and we had to stop taping because we were laughing so freaking hard. So you have one girl with moves and one falling over herself trying to be sexy. I am pretty sure she ended up going home alone that night. The song ends and people continue to clap. Another song comes on and it starts up again, at this point interest is starting to get lost on us.

One of my tables who was actually pretty cool put it best,"This girl looks like she took one to many classes at Flirty Girl Fitness." So some of my tables leave and then it is down to the regulars and my boss and friends. Well I go over to bring Cowboy Casanova some more drinks and homegirl starts up again and they tell me to jump out of the way because now she is using her jacket as a prop. I turn away and let them watch and don't get in the way. I am in awe of how much balls this girl has because I know I would never do this. DJ Snoop comes outside with me and says I can't believe this happened here. I explained that this is the wildest I have ever seen it but yes weird. He is figuring out what the hell is going on and why this girl would do the stripper moves, I have no answer.

The night starts to dwindle more and I close out my tabs. This dbag has been in the bar and annoying everyone and starts staring at Colts chest and making it obvious, she calls him out on it and starts yelling. Everyone is annoyed by this guy except for our "stripper" she actually made out with him. Now he looks like a tool in every sense of the word. He finally can't take the ribbing anymore and Cowboy Casanova sends him off with "Runaway" by Kanye West. Amazing, all I have to say is here's a toast to the douchebags.....

Halloween

So it was another successful holiday spent at my other home, aka my place of business and I must say the costumes were interesting. With the saving of the Chilean miner we had an outcrop of those costumes and of course you have your vampires, simpsons, nurses, fairies, shake weighters, etc. I was surprised by the fact that there were not a lot of slutty costumes this year, good job girls! I didn't get to see a lot that night due to being stuck in what we like to call "time out" however I did get to have fun with some of my friends who came in and worked an awesome party. As always I had my Dalton there to help me keep on laughing! One of my favorite costumes came from a friend of mine who was the Little Caesar's pizza shaker guy! He had the neon glasses, head phones, ridiculous hat, bright vest, and yes a pizza box ready to shake! Now that is ingenious. I myself was dressed as a trophy wife, not original but hey it got the job done for making some money! I don't really have too much to report on the bar as of late, it's been pretty calm, except I still think people need to read my blog on how to tip properly.

Oh wait one thing happened a guy came in for a party of his a couple weeks ago and brought roughly 20 friends. His package lasted from 9-12 and they took advantage of it. I wasn't really making any money off of them so I stopped serving. Sorry I don't work for free and neither do my coworkers, but the party ended and homeboy decided to try to get the rest of the night for free. He went up to Muffy and said i will throw 20 on my card now and let's just keep it open. Muffy turned to me and said how many people does he have? I replied with roughly 20 and Muffy looked at him and said so you want to drink for 3 more hours for free on $20, don't think so. The guy preceded to talk about how he brought all these people in and blah blah blah. I looked at him and pretty sure he got the message that I thought he was a douchebag. His reasoning made no sense to us whatsoever. I mean if you're friends want to celebrate your birthday with you they should be willing to throw the coin down to do it, this guy clearly was a first timer in a bar. So we told him no and he got all huffy, well he kept coming to the bar and asking for his Woodchuck (yup first sign of being a dbag, you have a drink package and that's what you choose) at one point he went to one of my male bartenders, we will call him Mullet and said I am with the party I drink for free all night, well Mullet said I don't think so bud five bucks, the guy argues with him for awhile and Mullet finally goes I think you need the money more than me, ahhh zing! Highlight of the night. Anyway that is one blip in this story, let's get down to the rest of the blog.

So I wanted to talk about Halloween and how sad it has gotten over the years. Kids use to go out and trick or treat all night and roam the streets. Things now a day seem to have tapered off, who knows if it is because of all the sick freaks in the world or parents don't trust strangers to give their kids candy. This is the only day of the year you could go solicit free food from people and it is acceptable. Homeless persons dream! I just want to know what happened to the spirit of Halloween, did it die once the news reports started getting scarier or is it parents don't want their kids to gain weight?

Halloween is my favorite holiday, you get to dress as whomever you want to be and cause havoc in neighborhoods. We use to go out all night running around in our costumes tping the neighbors and being ridiculous. I drove home at 8pm and there was nobody on the streets. I tell you it is a sad tale. I guarantee I will tell my accidental children that they can go out and take candy from strangers and talk to whomever they want. People now are just so scared of too much that it is causing kids to miss out on great childhood memories.

I understand the concerns that parents have but good god your child will not make it in the real world if you coddle them forever. Let them live, let them make mistake, let them have a decent childhood so they don't become serial killers later in life. I just don't understand the whole concept of keeping your kids indoors, Halloween isn't about going to the store and buying the discounted candy and having your kid ring the doorbell over and over what fun is that. Some of the fun is emptying your pillow cases and checking the candy to see if Mr. Dilbert put a razor in it this year or if that lady you suspect of being a real live witch poisoned your tootsie rolls. I guess times are changing and that isn't funny anymore but you get my drift. Why take all the fun out of holidays? Are you going to take presents away now to or tell the kids they can't sit on Santa's lap because he may be a pedophile dressed in a Santa suit? I mean we all know there's something fishy about it, but at least it isn't a giant Easter Bunny who doesn't speak who wants all the kids to sit on your lap. Also on the subject of the Easter Bunny, how creepy is that tradition, a giant bunny roams around your house and hides eggs and baskets, hello if any holiday tradition should be watched it's that one. I think I may tell that tale to my kids to scare them more than to encourage the asking of candy!

Yeesh what is this world coming to?!

New Theory

So it has been awhile since I have posted anything and I apologize for that. A lot has happened in the last 2 months or so and I have not felt that I could write properly so here I am again. I am finally getting my life back on track and have discovered that I have a lot of theories about life. I went on a rafting trip with some of my best girls (some were missing :() and while there I told them my theory about fish. Now I have not published this theory yet because well frankly it takes too damn long to write out, it is a complicated drawn out theory that will take a lot of time and thinking to do. So instead I will start this off with my woodland creatures theory.

We all know that I am a little bit eccentric and have a different view of the world. So keep an open mind and enjoy the writing. I did have a follow up for this because my girlfriend said that a man was a attacked by a billy goat shortly after I revealed my theory, take it for what it's worth, but I don't think this theory is too far fetched. I will try to write more this week about what has been going on in the bar industry but for now this will have to suffice for everyone out there who follows my blog!!

Thanks for your patience and enjoy the blog!!


Chapter2: Woodland Animals

Where do I begin with these mystical creatures of the woods? What is a woodland creature, where do they originate from, what are their real intentions when they see us humans? I am here to let you all know that those cuddly creatures with the bushy tails and big doe eyes have ruthless, underlying issues and are waiting for the right time to attack and wipe out the human race and run this planet like they use to.

Woodland creatures have been around since the dawn of time, they were born to be a food source for larger creatures (dinosaurs) and to help cultivate the fields and forests because let’s face it dinosaurs were lazy back then. Everyone lived in peace and the woodland creatures knew their place until one day they realized that they were essentially the dinosaurs’ “bitches.” They started to see that the dinosaurs weren’t contributing anything to preserving the Utopia and instead pushed the hard labor on the woodland creatures. Well the woodland creatures held a high council and decided to get rid of the dinosaurs. They created Burroughs and huts to keep them safe while they tried to make the dinosaurs extinct. I believe the woodland creatures were crafty enough that they created the Ice Age and wiped out all other species besides themselves, or so they thought.

Little did these diabolical creatures know but there was another species lurking about, the humans. After all the dinosaurs were wiped away (because they were too stupid to find Mexico) the humans emerged searching for food and wood and whatever else they used back in the day. They came upon some of these woodland creatures and thought they looked like they had some knowledge of the land so they tried to hold a conversation with the creatures but well humans don’t speak animal so that was a lost cause. Instead the humans moved on leaving the creatures in peace. A couple months later things started to change, the world had thawed out and mankind became more aware of their primal instinct to hunt meat. They had started to eat carcasses of dinosaurs because they were that hungry and thought this chewy substance is actually delectable, now I wonder what an animal we kill only a little time before would taste like?

This began the hunting part of the hunting and gathering of mankind. They hunted those cute little bushy tailed animals and began to fry them up and realized their strength was beginning to build with more protein. They continued to hunt these animals and the animals became more hostile, they developed methods of scaring of humans, baring their teeth, clawing at them, etc. We all know how scary animals can be. The animals once again reconvened and had a high council; they wanted to get rid of the humans much the same way they did the dinosaurs. The only problem was they used up all their natural resources to make the extinction happen. They decided to call up the devil and sell their souls. They wanted humans extinct, the only problem is that the devil is very tricky himself; he didn’t want humans extinct because they kept him alive with all their sinning, and instead he took those souls and turned them evil.

The evil animals became what we call rabid and started infecting all the other animals. The devil stopped and said,”whoa whoa whoa, this can’t be happening I have to take care of some of this.” So he took away some of the rabid animals and convened the high council. He asked that the animals stop hurting each other and instead use their cuteness to trick the humans. Any humans that they could trick would be theirs for the keeping to do with however they please. The animals agreed and decided to go wait in the forest and scope these humans out. They would venture out and start to make the humans view them as adorable creatures as not to hurt them.

Humans began to fall for this and stopped hurting the woodland creatures, the woodland creatures were winning now. They began to come out more and more and try to learn these human’s ways so that they could take them out. Eventually time went on and the 2 races learned to live together, the humans never stopped eating them, but kept it minimal at least. So fast forward a couple thousand years and humans are more intelligent and overpopulated then ever, a problem I will address in further chapters. Anyway the animals started to feel that the humans were taking over and decided to recall the high council and make a new plan. Luckily the animals were not any smarter at this point and had no clue how to get rid of mankind. They continue to hide out in the woods and observe us and strike at the right time.

The prediction that 2012 is the end of the world has nothing to do with science and everything to do with creepy woodland creatures. Why do they want to get rid of us? They want to have complete control over the planet, although with all the new modern technology I feel that they will not get very far in this. While in West Virginia we had bon fires that were right next to the forest. I was very aware of my surroundings because I would see those eyes and tails sticking out looking for a way to grab us. They were observing the female form and the disadvantages we have, such as not being able to start a fire with wet wood (again I blame the woodland creatures) but they didn’t prepare for the fact that I knew what they were up to. I think they sensed that I knew about them and left us alone.

In summary woodland creatures, although cute at times, have serious underlying issues and are all out to get us. While you think they are just trying to see if you will hurt them, they are observing to see who is weak, who is strong, where can they attack to hurt us the worst, and playing the waiting game. They want complete dominion but are biding their time and passing on information from generation to generation. Watch your back or they will come and get you in the middle of the night, so hide yo kids hide yo wife and hide yo husband.

GROSS!!!

Ok so I was working last night and it was crazy busy! Illinois played SIU and in a devastating defeat of my Alma matter I cried a little and had to put up with a bit of hassling. I wanted very much to revel in a great defeat and know that my girls and guys tailgating the night away in the paign had something to celebrate. All good things come with bad though I guess. So anyway I was bartending and dealing with those drunken fools who give me their money and order drinks the wrong way and don't specify certain liquors and then seem to be upset when I give them well vodka, hello you never said I had to give you effen! Oh well, everyone was pretty toasted and this group of girls came in and kept screaming loudly and hurting my ears. It was like nails on a chalkboard in all reality but they were being nice to me so I let them screech as loud as they wanted.

Basically the whole night was people getting blacked out which I fully support because in the end it all comes back to me and my fellow coworkers. So I was with Vampy (she loves vamps as much as I do) and BB. We had been busy and running our asses off all night and towards the end people started to depart our dear bar. Well there was a couple that stayed and put on quite a spectacular show for us. Let me paint you a picture of what these cats looked like. The man was tall and awkward and had glasses with what looked like a jew fro and a bright yellow shirt (way to stand out man), his lady partner had on a dress and a white gauzy blouse over it, she was a little heftier but it suit her well I guess. I don't know if this was love at first sight or what but there was major kissy face action going on with these 2 and I am pretty sure they later went home and made a baby.

Well we noticed them lurking about the beer taps and falling in love to the magical musical stylings of the bar and thought gee was this a chance meeting or something that has been going on? It was a weird interaction and they kept making out. Now when I first saw the girl she had her gauzy see through top on the correct way, I then saw her take it off and show the gentleman caller what she was working with. I turned around served some more people (whom obviously never read my blog because they didn't know the rules of interacting with their bartenders) and when I turned around again the top was on. We started to get bored with them so we turned our attention elsewhere and moved on. Well Vampy was the first to notice that this girls top was inside out. I must say walking around a bar in Chicago with your shirt inside out is not exactly the classiest way to get attention but I guess it worked for them. He found it attractive and proceeded to dry hump her against the bar. We had our laughs and Vampy and I stepped outside towards the end of the night.

As we are sitting outside with Mrs. Southside we notice that these 2 leave the bar hand in hand searching for a cab, we start laughing because it was just way to awkward of a couple to be taken seriously and Mrs. Southside yells out,"Don't forget the ether." Now we being the polite and gentile ladies everyone expects start laughing hysterically. The guy turns back and says."good one lady" He was clearly disturbed and doesn't understand a joke when he hears one, I mean come on dude you got her in the cab already just let it go. So he says some other remark under his breath and takes off. We literally are still laughing and unsure of how to go about the next half hour.

Now ladies and gentleman rule of thumb, we are not your parents basement, we do not want to see you kissing at the bar and carrying on like teenagers. While we definitely aid in this decision we don't necessarily want to see the play by play. I am sure that girl woke up today and wondered what happened and why this guy siting next to her looked like he was straight out of Revenge of the Nerds, but that is neither here nor there. It was a good laugh and made the night more entertaining for those of us who didn't get a chance to sit down and watch the commotion going on around us!

STEVE THE SHARK

Alright guys I don't know who has been seeing Steve the Shark on my facebook lately but here is the story. One day I was going to go check out Benchmark with T-bone, Asian Situation, Muffy, President Degenerate and some others. Well it was Shark Week and we were sitting at our "home base" before going to Benchmark and watching it. T-bone ended up making a comment that sharks should have GPS on their bodies so that we know where they are at all times. To do this would mean you could decide if you wanted to go in the water that day, basically it would be like "hey Steve is 3 miles off the coast of Cali" or something like that. The way he said it was hysterical and we made a joke out of it all night.

It has progressed to anytime T-bone walks in we yell "Steeeeeevvvveeee" and ask how he is doing. We want Steve the Shark to be captured in all his glory so please start using Steve's name when referring to ridiculous situations. I went down to my old home, Carbondale, and T-bone made sure I kept Steve in line and didn't let him eat anyone. We want him to become the bar's mascot and are going to make shirts. The shirts will have a picture of Steve on the front and on the back his own catch phrase,"Don't pet the Steve." Because you can't pet a shark without his permission we highly advise against petting him in any way.

Today at work we were talking about who is going to be the male bartender on Monday's and Asian Situation said we should have Steve bartend, well that would work except Steve tends to not play nice when idiots are around and will bite them if they don't tip him well. We were laughing because we could put Steve on the schedule and realized that a fictional character of mine and T-bone's imagination just wouldn't suffice. Steve has become a trend through out some of the staff but is still making his way into the popular inner circle. We would like to invite you to use Steve as our mascot and use phrases such as: Dont pet the Steve, Steve is coming to the bar, Steve needs a drink, Steve is out of control, Steve doesn't like when you do that, etc etc. The more this catches on the funnier it will be. If you want a shirt after seeing our awesome design we can get them made for you.

I understand most of you probably think I am on some sort of hallucinogenic drug or just high but I promise you I am dead sober and will always give Steve the respect he deserves when only using his name sober, well ok that's a lie to. Please start using Steve whenever you come into the bar and we will know what you mean. It is really funny when you hear us talking about it and if you need further instruction then you don't have a sense of humor. SO remember use Steve the Shark as much as possible and make him a trademark name for us!!!

Dejected from the Threesome

So I randomly was asked to work tonight (Monday) and accepted seeing as I am broke and got some bills to pay! Hey girls gotta do what a girls gotta do right! So Monday after Labor day weekend was busier than I thought due to fantasy football. I was bartending and didn't really have many customers but Mrs. Southside was working and she was a little busier. Well she had a group of guys who were doing their Fantasy draft and were drinking buckets of beer. They were all pretty tame most of the night and quiet. At one point a group of 3 came into the bar, a blonde girl, a blonde guy, and another girl, and an Asian. I don't know if they were already drunk but I hope so because they only had a bucket or 2 of beer and 1 fishbowl at this point. So they moved inside when we closed the patio and they were kinda falling all over themselves. It was a sight to see considering it is Monday and they really had not drank that much.

As the night went on the random girl left and the blonde was left with the 2 guys. The girl had hurt her arm somehow and kept getting attention from the guys because she kept complaining. Mrs. Southside told me that she saw the guys kissing this girl's arm to "make her feel better." So naturally I was confused and just laughed about it. Then she was hanging all over the Asian guy and was walking to the bathroom with him to support her I suppose. I watched them for awhile and noticed that the blonde guy was now hanging on her and I was confused because I thought she was with the other guy? So I also started to notice that the table of guys in the fantasy draft were all watching. I tried to figure out what was going on and Mrs. Southside said that they had been watching this 3 from the beginning because it was pure entertainment. Naturally you think hmm someone is getting freaky tonight! So we just laughed and kept watching. All 3 were hanging on each other and being very intimate. They ended up getting another fishbowl (incidentally a fishbowl is a pint of vodka with your choice of juice) but they hadn't even finished the first bowl. They left a quarter of it and ordered another, oh well more money for the bar.

So the guys were making jokes about the 3 and wondering the same thing. Is this a mutual threesome or is this just a close knit group of friends. Well somehow the 3 got even drunker and decided to leave. At this point myself and Mrs. Southside were sitting on the bench outside and the Asian and the blonde girl walk out and the girl falls off the stairs flat on her face. Some of the fantasy guys had joined us and everyone was hysterically laughing. The 2 sat there, the girl on the curb laying down with her back on the ground and the guy with his hands basically down her pants. The guys got a picture and I am hoping that I can post it on here if they tag the girl in it. Anyway we think that the blonde guy left cause we haven't seen him in awhile and are enjoying watching this show. They sat there for a good half hour with the guys laughing at them outright. We walked back into the bar and the guys were at the window, they kept us updated on what was going on with the twosome. The couple got up and tried to walk, and didn't make it far so sat back down. The guy's hand was still on her stomach/creepily going in her pants. At one point one of the guys started singing the romantic tune of Whitney Houston's I Will Always Love You. So we lost it at this point and kept laughing.

The blonde guy reappears and goes outside to sit with his friends. Threesome back on. I guess he didn't coax them enough because they left in a cab and the guy was stuck by himself. So he was standing on the corner and attempting to text, (maybe another threesome?!) and the guy who took the ridiculous picture of the girl and Asian walks out to talk to him and says,"So I guess you got dejected from the threesome?" I am not sure what the dude's response was but he walked back in after a couple minutes (the blonde guy that is) and his last one liner was "oh yea you like gay porn." The fantasy guys start laughing and go "you got me bro" then the blonde guy leaves and tries to get into a cab, well the cab driver tells this guy repeatedly to go around because the door on that side doesn't open. We watch him walk literally into the cab before realizing it doesn't open and he takes off. The fantasy guys start reenacting and laughing at this kid's response, like really that's what you came up with? So time to close comes and they go outside and reenact the picture to send to their friends and make fun of this kid.

Basically it is a Monday and this is what happens! On another note my bf got a text from a girl I am not fond of and she says,"you're girlfriend is here at (insert bar name)" he says yes she works there I am aware. Now this is how little I care about this girl, I probably served her and had no idea. I mean really I didn't notice nor do I care. I couldn't have told you if she was there or where she was at all. I think that is funny, she texts him and I have no knowledge of who she really is or where, good one lady. Ultimate slap in the face! Go Monday!

Cdale Recruitment

Well it was a loooong weekend to say the least! I arrived in Carbondale on Thursday (or would it be considered Fri morning?) at around 3am. I had left around 4pm and got stuck in traffic and had to stop in at EIU to drop some shirts off to my brother. While it was going to be a quick trip in my other brother was in town as well for his battle buddy's commissioning so i went over to the VFW and stopped in for a couple drinks. It was a nice way to break up the trip for me so I can't complain. Now when I stopped to see Eric he was still at training so I had to walk up to his fraternity house and wait for the guys to come and get me. I ran in and dropped the clothes off and then went to my car and waited for Eric to return. While waiting some of his brothers pulled up and luckily one of them knew me so I didn't look like a total creeper! Eric arrived and I walked into the house with him to many cat calls and suggestive phrases, all in good fun of course. Eric had to keep explaining that I was his sister and not some random girl that came in off the streets. he quickly ushered me out the door, almost pulling me at times and I just laughed and told them all I would be back soon. And back on the road I went. I arrived in Carbondale and went to see my buddy Woody at his bar and caught up on some gossip while watching a fight at teh bar. I mean really I just don't see the point of fighting anymore!

Ok so I arrive at the house and walk into my room that has 2 futons in it and am a little confused but I am tired so I don't care and just pass out in the little box that the sorority likes to call home!! I slept well considering I never sleep well if it is not my house and waited for my little Snooki's arrive. The girl looks like a cross between Snooki and a Kardashian but she does Snooki's awful waaaahhhhhing sound so she is now Snooki. She arrived around 1pm and we basically started getting ready for the sorority recruitment to start. We received our Betsey Johnson style shirts and waited for the rushes to arrive. Now if you are not a part of the Greek system it is hard to understand that thrill you receive knowing some of these girls will be your future sisters! As alumni members we are not allowed to speak to the girls or interact in anyway so we had to stand there and take their name cards in silent which is really hard to do since the 2 of us are such big talkers! Basically this is how it went all night for the remainder of recruitment. We did not go out Friday night because we had to wait for lists to arrive and instead went and got Don Taco. It was fantastic and everything I hoped for. We went to bed shortly after talking to a bunch of the girls and getting to know them. I love these little doves they cracked our shit up all day/night.

Saturday started early and ended around 4ish so we got done with the formal side of things and decided to go out. Now the active members in each chapter are not allowed to go out so as we were getting ready I saw a hint of longing in their eyes and felt bad. I felt even worse because I actually did not want to go out at all. We headed to the bar I use to work at and met up with some old friends. Drinks came and shots were poured and it was a fun time. At the end we stayed and I got into it with the manager over something stupid but I was apparently very passionate about it. At one point Woody looked at me and said it's time to go, but I didn't think i was that bad. There was a girl there who looked like an emo lumberjack and decided to get in on the conversation where she had no place. The bitch probably follows some lame band who had a 5 person following and can't get a gig and thinks she knows music, way to go dumbass, i guarantee you think guys in tighter pants then you are hot to, fail. So we left the bar and walked down college street and stopped into the theta xi house where we let ourselves walk around and see things that jogged our memories. So after stalking little KE we decided to go home. We succinctly passed out after a long deep convo til 5 am, I apologize to any of the girls who heard our convo. So we had to be up and ready by about 10:30am which means to wake up around 9, well I think the second day in a row eating Don Taco was a bad idea.

I awoke at 7:30 and was sick to my stomach and threw up everything that was in me for the past 2 days. I then was back in there around 9 and was in so much pain I couldn't move. I slept for another hour and got up to get ready. I put on my formal attire and sat in the room with the other girls and our FC. I kept having to run to the bathroom so didn't even get to go check on the girls. Luckily I think panera saved my life that day. I know some girls thought I was hungover but it was genuinely a sickness, hungover i could have powered through but not this one! So the first half of the day ended and then the second half began. We waited for our new members to arrive and did our sisterhood circle and welcomed them to the house. Melissa and I both had tears in our eyes because it is touching to see new girls so excited to be apart of something that we loved and hold close to our hearts.

Snooki left shorty after and I decided to stay another night since it was late. i hung out with the girls til 3am and heard funny stories and they taught me new terms such as facebook purgatory which means you have someone pending a friend request and they are in purgatory and some others that I can not reveal on here due to the laws of the house! So we exchanged youtube videos, watched the evolution of a transgendered female to male, and I told them stories from my day. I was sad to leave the next day but have to get back to the real life at some time. It was a long drive home and I am pretty sure I slept for 12 hours and have been getting my voice back since this weekend kicked my butt! So that was my trip down memory lane and I am so happy I got to go and meet all these incredible women and now have tons more facebook friends :)