GROSS!!!

Ok so I was working last night and it was crazy busy! Illinois played SIU and in a devastating defeat of my Alma matter I cried a little and had to put up with a bit of hassling. I wanted very much to revel in a great defeat and know that my girls and guys tailgating the night away in the paign had something to celebrate. All good things come with bad though I guess. So anyway I was bartending and dealing with those drunken fools who give me their money and order drinks the wrong way and don't specify certain liquors and then seem to be upset when I give them well vodka, hello you never said I had to give you effen! Oh well, everyone was pretty toasted and this group of girls came in and kept screaming loudly and hurting my ears. It was like nails on a chalkboard in all reality but they were being nice to me so I let them screech as loud as they wanted.

Basically the whole night was people getting blacked out which I fully support because in the end it all comes back to me and my fellow coworkers. So I was with Vampy (she loves vamps as much as I do) and BB. We had been busy and running our asses off all night and towards the end people started to depart our dear bar. Well there was a couple that stayed and put on quite a spectacular show for us. Let me paint you a picture of what these cats looked like. The man was tall and awkward and had glasses with what looked like a jew fro and a bright yellow shirt (way to stand out man), his lady partner had on a dress and a white gauzy blouse over it, she was a little heftier but it suit her well I guess. I don't know if this was love at first sight or what but there was major kissy face action going on with these 2 and I am pretty sure they later went home and made a baby.

Well we noticed them lurking about the beer taps and falling in love to the magical musical stylings of the bar and thought gee was this a chance meeting or something that has been going on? It was a weird interaction and they kept making out. Now when I first saw the girl she had her gauzy see through top on the correct way, I then saw her take it off and show the gentleman caller what she was working with. I turned around served some more people (whom obviously never read my blog because they didn't know the rules of interacting with their bartenders) and when I turned around again the top was on. We started to get bored with them so we turned our attention elsewhere and moved on. Well Vampy was the first to notice that this girls top was inside out. I must say walking around a bar in Chicago with your shirt inside out is not exactly the classiest way to get attention but I guess it worked for them. He found it attractive and proceeded to dry hump her against the bar. We had our laughs and Vampy and I stepped outside towards the end of the night.

As we are sitting outside with Mrs. Southside we notice that these 2 leave the bar hand in hand searching for a cab, we start laughing because it was just way to awkward of a couple to be taken seriously and Mrs. Southside yells out,"Don't forget the ether." Now we being the polite and gentile ladies everyone expects start laughing hysterically. The guy turns back and says."good one lady" He was clearly disturbed and doesn't understand a joke when he hears one, I mean come on dude you got her in the cab already just let it go. So he says some other remark under his breath and takes off. We literally are still laughing and unsure of how to go about the next half hour.

Now ladies and gentleman rule of thumb, we are not your parents basement, we do not want to see you kissing at the bar and carrying on like teenagers. While we definitely aid in this decision we don't necessarily want to see the play by play. I am sure that girl woke up today and wondered what happened and why this guy siting next to her looked like he was straight out of Revenge of the Nerds, but that is neither here nor there. It was a good laugh and made the night more entertaining for those of us who didn't get a chance to sit down and watch the commotion going on around us!

STEVE THE SHARK

Alright guys I don't know who has been seeing Steve the Shark on my facebook lately but here is the story. One day I was going to go check out Benchmark with T-bone, Asian Situation, Muffy, President Degenerate and some others. Well it was Shark Week and we were sitting at our "home base" before going to Benchmark and watching it. T-bone ended up making a comment that sharks should have GPS on their bodies so that we know where they are at all times. To do this would mean you could decide if you wanted to go in the water that day, basically it would be like "hey Steve is 3 miles off the coast of Cali" or something like that. The way he said it was hysterical and we made a joke out of it all night.

It has progressed to anytime T-bone walks in we yell "Steeeeeevvvveeee" and ask how he is doing. We want Steve the Shark to be captured in all his glory so please start using Steve's name when referring to ridiculous situations. I went down to my old home, Carbondale, and T-bone made sure I kept Steve in line and didn't let him eat anyone. We want him to become the bar's mascot and are going to make shirts. The shirts will have a picture of Steve on the front and on the back his own catch phrase,"Don't pet the Steve." Because you can't pet a shark without his permission we highly advise against petting him in any way.

Today at work we were talking about who is going to be the male bartender on Monday's and Asian Situation said we should have Steve bartend, well that would work except Steve tends to not play nice when idiots are around and will bite them if they don't tip him well. We were laughing because we could put Steve on the schedule and realized that a fictional character of mine and T-bone's imagination just wouldn't suffice. Steve has become a trend through out some of the staff but is still making his way into the popular inner circle. We would like to invite you to use Steve as our mascot and use phrases such as: Dont pet the Steve, Steve is coming to the bar, Steve needs a drink, Steve is out of control, Steve doesn't like when you do that, etc etc. The more this catches on the funnier it will be. If you want a shirt after seeing our awesome design we can get them made for you.

I understand most of you probably think I am on some sort of hallucinogenic drug or just high but I promise you I am dead sober and will always give Steve the respect he deserves when only using his name sober, well ok that's a lie to. Please start using Steve whenever you come into the bar and we will know what you mean. It is really funny when you hear us talking about it and if you need further instruction then you don't have a sense of humor. SO remember use Steve the Shark as much as possible and make him a trademark name for us!!!

Dejected from the Threesome

So I randomly was asked to work tonight (Monday) and accepted seeing as I am broke and got some bills to pay! Hey girls gotta do what a girls gotta do right! So Monday after Labor day weekend was busier than I thought due to fantasy football. I was bartending and didn't really have many customers but Mrs. Southside was working and she was a little busier. Well she had a group of guys who were doing their Fantasy draft and were drinking buckets of beer. They were all pretty tame most of the night and quiet. At one point a group of 3 came into the bar, a blonde girl, a blonde guy, and another girl, and an Asian. I don't know if they were already drunk but I hope so because they only had a bucket or 2 of beer and 1 fishbowl at this point. So they moved inside when we closed the patio and they were kinda falling all over themselves. It was a sight to see considering it is Monday and they really had not drank that much.

As the night went on the random girl left and the blonde was left with the 2 guys. The girl had hurt her arm somehow and kept getting attention from the guys because she kept complaining. Mrs. Southside told me that she saw the guys kissing this girl's arm to "make her feel better." So naturally I was confused and just laughed about it. Then she was hanging all over the Asian guy and was walking to the bathroom with him to support her I suppose. I watched them for awhile and noticed that the blonde guy was now hanging on her and I was confused because I thought she was with the other guy? So I also started to notice that the table of guys in the fantasy draft were all watching. I tried to figure out what was going on and Mrs. Southside said that they had been watching this 3 from the beginning because it was pure entertainment. Naturally you think hmm someone is getting freaky tonight! So we just laughed and kept watching. All 3 were hanging on each other and being very intimate. They ended up getting another fishbowl (incidentally a fishbowl is a pint of vodka with your choice of juice) but they hadn't even finished the first bowl. They left a quarter of it and ordered another, oh well more money for the bar.

So the guys were making jokes about the 3 and wondering the same thing. Is this a mutual threesome or is this just a close knit group of friends. Well somehow the 3 got even drunker and decided to leave. At this point myself and Mrs. Southside were sitting on the bench outside and the Asian and the blonde girl walk out and the girl falls off the stairs flat on her face. Some of the fantasy guys had joined us and everyone was hysterically laughing. The 2 sat there, the girl on the curb laying down with her back on the ground and the guy with his hands basically down her pants. The guys got a picture and I am hoping that I can post it on here if they tag the girl in it. Anyway we think that the blonde guy left cause we haven't seen him in awhile and are enjoying watching this show. They sat there for a good half hour with the guys laughing at them outright. We walked back into the bar and the guys were at the window, they kept us updated on what was going on with the twosome. The couple got up and tried to walk, and didn't make it far so sat back down. The guy's hand was still on her stomach/creepily going in her pants. At one point one of the guys started singing the romantic tune of Whitney Houston's I Will Always Love You. So we lost it at this point and kept laughing.

The blonde guy reappears and goes outside to sit with his friends. Threesome back on. I guess he didn't coax them enough because they left in a cab and the guy was stuck by himself. So he was standing on the corner and attempting to text, (maybe another threesome?!) and the guy who took the ridiculous picture of the girl and Asian walks out to talk to him and says,"So I guess you got dejected from the threesome?" I am not sure what the dude's response was but he walked back in after a couple minutes (the blonde guy that is) and his last one liner was "oh yea you like gay porn." The fantasy guys start laughing and go "you got me bro" then the blonde guy leaves and tries to get into a cab, well the cab driver tells this guy repeatedly to go around because the door on that side doesn't open. We watch him walk literally into the cab before realizing it doesn't open and he takes off. The fantasy guys start reenacting and laughing at this kid's response, like really that's what you came up with? So time to close comes and they go outside and reenact the picture to send to their friends and make fun of this kid.

Basically it is a Monday and this is what happens! On another note my bf got a text from a girl I am not fond of and she says,"you're girlfriend is here at (insert bar name)" he says yes she works there I am aware. Now this is how little I care about this girl, I probably served her and had no idea. I mean really I didn't notice nor do I care. I couldn't have told you if she was there or where she was at all. I think that is funny, she texts him and I have no knowledge of who she really is or where, good one lady. Ultimate slap in the face! Go Monday!